It's all in the balance

Since my anti supermom post, I have been thinking and attempting the topic of balance.

I have struggled with the position of stay at home mom. I have always been a employee. In fact, I loved being a employee. I like working long hours, associating with different people, having deadlines and being part of a company that expected and required me to complete tasks. I enjoyed learning and discussing issues with my superiors and problem solving. I had motivation and drive to impress those I worked with and those I worked for.

Then I got pregnant. My employment ended about 6 months into my pregnancy and I was going to have the opportunity to stay at home. My husband loved the idea of me being home and we had agreed that this was that best way for our family to raise our children. Initially, I was extremely excited. I had never really stayed home before and the last few years I had spent in working camps so the idea of being home was different.

Little did I know what rushes of emotion were going to present themselves. Soon I felt guilt because I wasn't providing a substantial income to our families finances. It felt like I was doing nothing to improve our situation. My husband and I swallowed a lot in life really fast and the financial strains were and are still extremely difficult for us to handle. We both went from being very financially independent individuals with our own financial goals to suddenly combining finances. Waves of feelings came over me. I felt like a talentless, lazy, guilty individual which led to a slight depression. Those are still emotions that pop up time to time but I am learning how to deal with them.

I then realized how much work being a stay at mom could be. I had never been so unmotivated in my entire life. My depression got worse as I began to spend days on end on the couch with no energy and no drive.

Being a stay at home mom is harder. Something I had never thought that was possible is that staying at home is harder. There is no one to motivate you, there are no deadlines or expectations except that which you do for yourself.

You have to decide what's for dinner and make it.
No one tells you when to clean your house or wash your hair or when to get out of bed or when to mow the lawn.
No one expects you to stop watching tv or have the laundry folded or the bed made.
No one makes a schedule for you to work out, practice playing the piano or work on a project you would like to finish.

And I realized until I made those expectations of myself and motivated myself to do them, I was going to sit in the same hole I was always going to.

So I tried to be supermom. That obviously didn't go as planned. *See previous post
It lasted a brief moment till I realized it wasn't going to work.

I needed to find a way to motivate myself without overwhelming myself because both extremes are more damaging then helpful. So the last two weeks I have been trying a few things to increase my production and quality as an individual, as a mother and as a housewife. So far I have been seeing good results which I hope will also improve with time. Here are a few things I decided to try:

1)Set goals and a schedule.

Set daily goals. Set weekly goals. Set hourly goals. I wanted to get a realistic list of things I could accomplish within certain time frames. And it totally works. I write them down in my day planner and make little check marks. Oh I love checkmarks.

2)Don't turn on the TV.

I find as soon as I turn on the TV, I lose motivation. Whether it's a show or a movie or anything. As soon as I start to bank couch time, the whole day is suddenly gone.

3) "Forget my cell phone."

I spend a lot of time on my cell phone. I usually try to make sure I have it within an accessible distance but I don't need to be on it every dull second in the doctors office or in the grocery store and so on. My son actually deserves that time more then my phone. Some days I do better then others but it's a work in progress.

4) Start first thing.

For me, lazy mornings make lazy days and there ain't no time for that! If I start right after breakfast, I find it amazing how much I can get accomplished. If I have an appointment in town, I try and make it as early as possible to help me get started..

5) Glam up a bit.

I find that if I put on some makeup or do my hair, I feel better about my day. I don't go all out. Heck, if I get a ponytail, that's an achievement.

6) Go outside.

Stetson is so high energy and loves being outside and when I make it out there, so do I. I have been trying to spend some time outside everyday whether it's a walk or a play at the park or mowing the lawn.

Those are the six things I have been trying to incorporate into my day to make me a happier, more productive, better quality mother and wife. I don't have to do everything. Just something. There is no reason to sit on the couch and watch TV or read all day. My husband deserves more, my children deserve more and I deserve more. If I am to expect anything of them, I must expect something of myself and set an example. Every day is a new beginning and a new challenge. And it's all about balance.

Realities

Oh the realities.  7 months ago, I had a beautiful baby boy. He is amazing in all ways. Smart, cute, energetic and he loves me. Oh does he love me. Despite the fact that sometimes my hair doesn't get brushed or my house doesn't get cleaned or that sometimes dinner is less the desirable.

But he also demands the most of me. He demands my sleep time, my patience, my smiles, my energy and my love.

I don't know about other moms but I know about me. 7 months later, I still have no energy, I still cry at commercials, I get overwhelmed and end up sobbing on the floor. My house goes uncleaned, my hair goes unbrushed and sometimes getting up and eating seems the most difficult thing to accomplish.

But I would never take it back and sometimes it it takes me a second to sit back and realize that. Motherhood is the most difficult and straining thing I have ever undertook. Everything inside you wants to be the most perfect, put together, organized housewife there is that accomplishes everything you have set out to do in a day. But I know I can never be that person.

I will never be supermom.

It took me seven months to admit it to myself. I am not sure when I will feel ok again, when I will have my energy back, when I will lose the weight I would like to lose, when I will not cry in lame chick flicks, when the constant throbbing headaches will go away or when my sex drive will come back. But I know I have a little boy and a husband who I love with all my heart.

I have learned that having high expectations of myself and then failing sends me into a deep depression that not only affects me but my family. The guilt that I create in my life could hurt the people I love the most. It sucks the life out of me.

So here is to having real expectations. They won't win me any awards but they will get me through the day and keep me smiling for the people I love. And that is my reality. Lots of times I lose my focus and I forget that I can't be this perfect machine and then I get depressed.

I can't be anyone else, I can only be myself. I am not supermom. I will never be an amazing housewife. But I will do my best everyday to ensure I am happy and my family is happy. And I will get better as I realize that life is what you make it, not how much you appear to accomplish. I have much to learn and there is lots of room to grow. Everything takes time. Those are my realities.

Our little family

So it has been forever since I blogged. It haunts me in the back of my mind that I should blog but I have been pretty busy/sick/forgetful lately. Plus, my cute attachment decides that every time I decide to try and get something done, its time to fuss. Like he is currently. BRB.

OK baby asleep. Yep! We had a baby!

William Stetson Stanley Frost. We call him Stetson. He was born January 23 2013 8 lbs 1 oz 17 1/2" long.

Yes the name is long but it has a lot of meaning for us. William is Jarrod's family name. It's both his and his dad's legal first name and I am not sure how far it goes back. Stetson is the name I picked and Jarrod didn't have much say. I basically told him that was the name and he was going to have to accept it haha. Stanley is after Jarrod's uncle who passed in November who was very loved by all who really knew him. We hope our son will grow up to appreciate and honor the names he carries.

It's been almost 8 weeks since we brought him home and sometimes I still look at him and think "That's ours??" Haha it's a big change and sometimes so overwhelming but we wouldn't change it for the world. We have been fighting a touch of colic. Dairy bugs him big time but he still has issues with gas so I cut out gluten a couple days ago and it seems to have made a bit of difference. I also have an appointment with the chiropractor for him on Thursday to see if that can help. We will also see what the doctor says on Thursday afternoon.

Stetson loves water. We took him swimming a couple weeks ago and he just completely chilled out. I found through repeat occurrences getting him ready for a bath that if he is upset, just set him on the floor and turn on the tub and he will instantly quiet. He loves water, playing in it and listening to it. I hope it stays and that Vanderhoof builds a pool so I can indulge that if necessary.

He also loves his carrier and will usually fall asleep when we go for walks. Stetson also HATES having his face covered unless he is tired. He wants to look around. Especially outside. And don't you dare hinder that or you better prepare for the wrath. He loves sleeping with mum even though I really try to avoid it too much and he loves eating. Obviously. He's almost doubled his birthweight and is 24" long.

As for Jarrod and I, we have been adjusting to parenthood. Jarrod's cousin bought a hunt to Africa and Jarrod is planning on going with him which is his trip of a lifetime and I am excited for him. Not quite sure when it is but it could happen this year or in five years. Who knows. We are also getting tired of town. We didn't last as long as we thought we would but I am not surprised so right now we are weighing our options with finances and such to figure out what we should do.

AND WE ARE SOOOOO READY FOR SUMMER! It snowed over a foot in the last couple days and we are ready for it to go away. I am getting excited to get on my horse and go camping and I wore shorts today because I am willing it to be summer. And they are the only comfy clean thing I had. It sounds like Jarrod's breakup may be short this year and extremely busy with projects. Not even our projects! Spring bear season starts in two weeks!

Wedding celebration planning has been in full swing and I am NOT a wedding planner. And it's expensive! So do not want to get married twice! ;)

 

Labour Story

I started having contractions around 630 am on the 22nd. They were light but every three minutes. I thought oh prob false labour or they could stop... So I called my mom and went over to my grammas and made baby blankets. Around noon Jarrod texted me and asked how I was doing so I told him I was having contractions but nothing serious.. The day passed and I went home... 

At about 630 pm they got a bit stronger, so we decided to go to the hospital considering we didn't know what to expect and they hooked me up to monitors and said why yes I was having contractions but my cervix was so high up she couldn't find it so they sent me on my way saying it could be false labour or could stop. About 30 min to an hour after I got home which was about 830, it was unbearable... So Jarrod and I headed back and they hooked me up all over again and checked my cervix, the contractions were 1-2 min apart, gave me the gas, and once they found my cervix apparently I was 4-5 cm dilated. Then we called my mom. The nurse wanted another nurse to double check so I got double checked and I was now 6-7. They already had an epidural on the way and I was having back labour. No fun. By the time they got the epidural in I'm sure I was almost fully dilated because it took forever. So they got that in and it only worked on the right side apparently because of Stetson's position.

Then they checked me and voila I was fully dilated and my water broke. And they said, if you have the urge to push, push... I felt no such urge. Meanwhile I was having a hard time telling when the contractions were because the back labour was constant stabbing pain and there was no let down. They kept telling me to push but I didn't feel like I had too.. I wasn't doing well and had to get a pep talk from my doctor which was basically telling me I have to get this baby delivered and I better step up my game. I kept throwing up and by this point it was pure bile... They gave me a drug for nausea and another dose of epidural around 130 am and the contractions stopped and I started falling in and out of sleep meanwhile my doctor had to go deliver another baby. There was no progress and my baby still hasn't dropped. So my doctor started me on the drip to try and get contractions going again and avoid a c section. I had a hard time knowing when to push so my doctor put me in the squat position and told me when to push. Stetson's head was stuck behind my pelvic bone so the doctor eventually was able to pull him down and then I felt the urge I push haha. I pushed for 10-20 minutes and he was out. I looked at him and said. I knew it was a boy haha. I then laid back and got stitched up. I fed him then got up and started walking around and went pee. I was almost scared to move my legs after cause I didn't know if it would hurt. I did tear to the side and had to get 5-6 stitches. I was also shaking soooo bad. They covered me with two heated blankets afterwards to try and warm me up

Jarrod was so tired considering he had been up since 2 am the previous morning poor guy. There was no free beds so Jarrod curled up on this tiny little couch to try and sleep. I only slept about an hour and then was wide awake again. Jarrod and the baby both snored away though haha.  The hospital was disgustingly hot our entire stay. We had to share a room since the hospital was so full which wasn't so exciting considering our baby was relatively quiet compared to hers and visitors were crammed in there. And I felt awful when Stetson was having a hard time and would fuss. The hospital had a few issues as well. We never got bands for the baby or Jarrod and I till the lab tech came two days later to do blood work and asked where our bands were. Pretty sure the nurses got an earful after that. We also barely saw the nurses. They were so understaffed but I was so grateful for one night shift nurse that sat with me for two hours teaching me about breastfeeding. I was struggling with it so much that night because he would just not stay with the latch. Whatever people may say, breastfeeding didn't come naturally for me. They also ended up giving me an MMR vaccination that started to cause issues with my nerves in my arm basically rendering it useless.

On the third day, we basically begged the doctor to go home and if the jaundice testing levels came back below 250 we were allowed. We were extremely happy to get out of there and it didn't take long for us to pack up and header out the door. We stopped by the pharmacy to pick up a few things we thought we might need, scheduled Stetson's circumcision and went home. Nothing like being at home with your own shower, a sink in the bathroom, your own thermostat, your own bed and our cutest little baby!

January is a new year. . . .

How far along? 38 and a half weeks.
Maternity Clothes? No. I live in my Underarmour pants and long t shirts.
Best moment this week? Ah getting to a single digit countdown very soon. And we called in another lynx.
Not so good moment this week? Still dealing with this flu/cold and not nesting. . .I need energy to finish everything I need to get done! And my car going into limp mode for some bogus reason.
Movement: Yes. A very active baby.
Gender: Still don't know!
Food Cravings: I like toast right now. I've been craving to eat healthy haha.
Anything make you sick or queasy: It's totally hit and miss most days. I threw up tacos the other day.
Symptoms: Legs HURT usually 24/7 now. Mostly when I try and relax. And I am still puking. So thankful for Diclectin still haha.
Emotions: Mostly ok. I had a breakdown the other day and I am sure Jarrod felt pretty bad.
Looking forward to: Getting my house cleaned and hopefully things caught up if I get enough energy.

December was crazy and went crazy fast. We ended up down in the states for a couple days and got to see Julie and Patrice. Christmas crept up and left in a whirlwind. I am still slowly taking decorations down  haha. Jarrod's Christmas present is supposed to come tomorrow. . A bit late but better late then never?? We ended December with a super flu/cold that is still clinging. Hasn't been  much fun at all. Therefore, not much has been done in my house or anything like that. Baby's room is still in mid reno like it was in mid December. Baby cannot come this week cause I have a to do list the length of my arm still to complete hopefully before it comes. If it decides to come late, the induction date is set for January 28th because my doctor is leaving town on the 31 for vacation which I found out about yesterday and he doesn't want me to go in labour while he is gone. But we will see what happens. . . . Hopefully it comes on it's own. People have been so generous in giving us some of the things we need for this baby and we are very grateful for their support. It's amazing how small things make a huge difference and take a lot of the stress off. Whether it's undershirts or a playpen, it all helps so much. 

Well our life is about to change a whole bunch and in ways we cannot imagine. Jarrod and I say to each other at random times that we are gonna have a kid soon. Isn't that weird? It's exciting and scary at the same time. And we have no idea what we are getting into I am sure but it's happening!

How it actually is. . . .

I am not ungrateful and do not regret my baby by any means. Even though this pregnancy was not planned, I don't know what my life would be like without it right now. I find myself thinking about whether she will like grilled cheese sandwiches or whether his favorite toy will be trains. This is going to be a little person. Is that not crazy cool, crazy amazing and crazy scary?

I also have no idea what kind of mother I am going to be. One part of me says, it will just be instinct, it will come and you will be a natural. Another part says, you should be scared for your life cause you have no idea what's coming. Lots of mother's have offered experiences and advice about motherhood and how they coped or handled certain things. Every mother has different cares, concerns and worries about their children and themselves and it's amazing how it is so varied for every person and every child. Some are completely enveloped by motherhood from the moment they get a positive result on a pregnancy test, while others it takes time through the pregnancy or it doesn't hit till they hold that baby the first time. Some have their lives completely centered around their children and love it while others try and find balance between their children and other things in life. 

BUT

Pregnancy hasn't been enjoyable for me. Maybe because marriage and pregnancy came kind of together and it was a big change so fast. Maybe because it's my first one and I don't have much patience. And to tell the truth, I forget I am pregnant a lot and find I end up getting frustrated with myself. Why do I hurt right now?? Ah right. Pregnant. Why am I nauseous again?? Oh yea. Pregnant. Why does this seem so much harder to do now?? . . . . Duh. Pregnant. Why am I soooo big?? Oh right. Pregnant. It's not like I am out drinking shots and eating pounds of raw fish but I find that I am constantly reminding myself. . .Oh right. It's frustrating to be limited and I hate limiting my husband who wants to do things together that I just can't seem to do without paying later.

I don't like being an emotional wreck constantly and I miss things and feel guilty. Some people can't have babies and would give the world to be pregnant. But I would be a hypocrite if I said I didn't miss things.  

I miss being able to change my body. And I want to change it so bad. I don't like seeing pictures of myself. I feel self conscious. I don't enjoy my size and I can't wait to start changing it. Everybody says just enjoy pregnancy and on and on. But I don't feel pregnant. I just feel fat. And maybe it's selfish but I really hope I maintain the motivation to get fit and at a healthy weight. I gained lots of weight before I got pregnant and I so regret it now.

Honestly? I really want to continue in some of my hobbies after the baby is born. I have had so many mixed opinions from mothers about this topic. I have met mothers that just involve their children in what they are doing and I have met others who insist you will have no time and others who think you are selfish for even pursuing something for yourself. Such as hunting. Although it will take some sacrifice for us to involve our children, I can't see it ending. Jarrod's parents involved him and I am sure he and I will do the same thing. I have an amazingly supportive husband and often when I doubt I will be able to do something after the baby comes because of lack of time, he reminds me that I can still do it, I can just take the baby with me. And I am sure it's easier said then done but I know when it comes down to it, if it's that important to me then I will do it. But I am still scared I will lose myself and turn around later in life with regrets. I am also aware that my priorities will drastically change after this baby comes. Oh the fear of the unknown. 

BUT 

At the same time, I am so excited to meet this little person. Haha it's daddy loves to poke and prode it and I am sure it is just the beginning of it getting teased. Every time it decides to move, it's a reminder of oh yea, there's a baby in there which is a complete rush of mixed emotions. And I know it will help me realize that this is all worth it. I can't wait to figure out it's likes and dislikes and to snuggle and to see it smile and take it's first steps. To teach it what's right and what's wrong and that baby will always be loved. And deep inside I know it will be the hardest but most rewarding thing I have ever done in my entire life. Harder then pregnancy to say the least lol. And although the thought of being responsible for a child is so so scary, I pray that I will be able to teach and to love this gift from heaven with everything in me. I can't wait to see daddy just melt when he holds his baby for the first time cause I know it will happen.

Isn't that what people say parenthood is like? When it seems like all is lost, you get rewarded in the sweetest, most simple ways. If not, I guess I will learn in time. . . 

 

NOVEMBER SOOOOO FAR. . .

How far along? Almost 31 weeks.
Maternity Clothes? Some yes and some no.
Best moment this week? MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT. And my buck I got.
Not so good moment this week? Ah being sick and not sleeping.
Movement: Yes. Loves to kick Jarrod in the back now too. . .
Gender: Still not finding out. . . But we are super hoping for a boy.
Food Cravings: Egg nog. Apple fritters.
Anything make you sick or queasy: Raw meat. And boiling deer head with Dawn soap.
Symptoms: Legs HURT and headaches like mad. The heartburn is still there too. And I am still puking. So thankful for Diclectin.
Emotions: One word. ROLLERCOASTER.
Looking forward to: Getting Christmas presents to wrap!!!

So I am tagged out for deer season. I shot a whitetail doe which has been great eating, a small two point mule deer buck and a 4 point mule deer buck. We have been giving most of the meat away as our freezer is pretty full and I have been getting used to butchering deer in my kitchen.  Jarrod boiled out my deer skull and it is now hanging on the wall behind the TV and looking mighty fine I must say.  My mule deer buck was probably the hardest thing I have had to shoot so far. 

Here is the story. Jarrod saw him from afar and we drove up closer across the field, Jarrod got him in the binos and said, "You are gonna shoot that deer babe." Great. OK. My gun wasn't sighted in yet so up went the 300  and I was using the truck open window and open door as a rest. I had the cross hairs on him but he was bedded down not far away and the only clear shots I could get were either his head or his butt. So Jarrod starts calling at it to make it get up and hopefully broadside. Buttt it gets up and starts running away. So we hop back in the truck and drive up farther till we are no longer behind it but more beside it. And it's also getting further away. Awesome. So I jump out and Jarrod says use the hood as the rest. Well I am over 7 months pregnant and the truck has a Buckstop and a lift. And the deer is still getting further away. We adjusted the scope for a further shot and I tried to line up and shot. Missed. Clean miss. And the gun wasn't anchored right cause I couldn't get high enough so I FELT that recoil hard. So I got a little bit frustrated and lined up again. He was quartered with his head a bit further ahead and was around 350-400 yards away. I lined up and shot. Well that time he got hit and ran into some bush. So we jumped back in the truck and took off towards the bush line. We got there and Jarrod found him right away but wanted to make sure he was done so shot twice. As we approached him, it looked like I gut shot him. I was basically horrified at my shot but he needed loaded so we loaded him up as it was getting dark. When we were coming back through, the gates were shut. That was a bit confusing as they had been open for a couple weeks but we opened them and closed them after us. As we went through the second one, we looked ahead and the landowner had the road completely blocked. So we pulled up and jumped out. And he looks at us and says, "Oh it's you guys. I'll move out of your way!" He got on his phone right away too. Pretty sure we got the CO called on us by mistake haha. We took him home and Jarrod skinned him. Turned out he wasn't gut shot. Whew. I hit him right at the back of the diaphragm and it came out the shoulder. Good shot.

Jarrod's uncle passed away this just over a week ago. Too young and too soon but we don't make those calls I guess. It was so unexpected and we wish it hadn't of happened. It's put a damper on things and made us all rethink how we value our time together lately. We have been spending alot of time with family and trying to support each other. We were actually supposed to have them over for dinner on Saturday night and thats all I could think about when I first heard. We were able to pool together though and send his wife and two sons to Mexico this weekend since him and his wife were going for their anniversary which happens to be today. It's amazing and tragic how fast life can suddenly change. I am grateful for the things I know for sure. We all miss him. Jarrod especially as they were pretty close. We have asked the family if we can name our son after him if the baby is a boy and they are honoured with the idea so we are kind of more hoping for a boy now.

We laid our new living room flooring and it has transformed our house to some extent. It looks so much better! And cleaner even when it's dirty! You would have never guessed it would make that much of a difference. But it did! I also started to make Christmas decorations yesterday! I made a tree topper and 3 different kinds of ornaments. Only two different kinds left to make! :) KJ gave me some pinecones and I have some bells so I am gonna make up something with those! I also made a mini tree and a wreath with some "greenery" I bought. 

Soon I will be in full force baby stuff making mode. I want to so bad but I am making myself finish some other things first! Other then the cold plague hitting the household, not much else is happening! Jarrod has to go out and shoot some deer I guess! ;)