How it actually is. . . .

I am not ungrateful and do not regret my baby by any means. Even though this pregnancy was not planned, I don't know what my life would be like without it right now. I find myself thinking about whether she will like grilled cheese sandwiches or whether his favorite toy will be trains. This is going to be a little person. Is that not crazy cool, crazy amazing and crazy scary?

I also have no idea what kind of mother I am going to be. One part of me says, it will just be instinct, it will come and you will be a natural. Another part says, you should be scared for your life cause you have no idea what's coming. Lots of mother's have offered experiences and advice about motherhood and how they coped or handled certain things. Every mother has different cares, concerns and worries about their children and themselves and it's amazing how it is so varied for every person and every child. Some are completely enveloped by motherhood from the moment they get a positive result on a pregnancy test, while others it takes time through the pregnancy or it doesn't hit till they hold that baby the first time. Some have their lives completely centered around their children and love it while others try and find balance between their children and other things in life. 

BUT

Pregnancy hasn't been enjoyable for me. Maybe because marriage and pregnancy came kind of together and it was a big change so fast. Maybe because it's my first one and I don't have much patience. And to tell the truth, I forget I am pregnant a lot and find I end up getting frustrated with myself. Why do I hurt right now?? Ah right. Pregnant. Why am I nauseous again?? Oh yea. Pregnant. Why does this seem so much harder to do now?? . . . . Duh. Pregnant. Why am I soooo big?? Oh right. Pregnant. It's not like I am out drinking shots and eating pounds of raw fish but I find that I am constantly reminding myself. . .Oh right. It's frustrating to be limited and I hate limiting my husband who wants to do things together that I just can't seem to do without paying later.

I don't like being an emotional wreck constantly and I miss things and feel guilty. Some people can't have babies and would give the world to be pregnant. But I would be a hypocrite if I said I didn't miss things.  

I miss being able to change my body. And I want to change it so bad. I don't like seeing pictures of myself. I feel self conscious. I don't enjoy my size and I can't wait to start changing it. Everybody says just enjoy pregnancy and on and on. But I don't feel pregnant. I just feel fat. And maybe it's selfish but I really hope I maintain the motivation to get fit and at a healthy weight. I gained lots of weight before I got pregnant and I so regret it now.

Honestly? I really want to continue in some of my hobbies after the baby is born. I have had so many mixed opinions from mothers about this topic. I have met mothers that just involve their children in what they are doing and I have met others who insist you will have no time and others who think you are selfish for even pursuing something for yourself. Such as hunting. Although it will take some sacrifice for us to involve our children, I can't see it ending. Jarrod's parents involved him and I am sure he and I will do the same thing. I have an amazingly supportive husband and often when I doubt I will be able to do something after the baby comes because of lack of time, he reminds me that I can still do it, I can just take the baby with me. And I am sure it's easier said then done but I know when it comes down to it, if it's that important to me then I will do it. But I am still scared I will lose myself and turn around later in life with regrets. I am also aware that my priorities will drastically change after this baby comes. Oh the fear of the unknown. 

BUT 

At the same time, I am so excited to meet this little person. Haha it's daddy loves to poke and prode it and I am sure it is just the beginning of it getting teased. Every time it decides to move, it's a reminder of oh yea, there's a baby in there which is a complete rush of mixed emotions. And I know it will help me realize that this is all worth it. I can't wait to figure out it's likes and dislikes and to snuggle and to see it smile and take it's first steps. To teach it what's right and what's wrong and that baby will always be loved. And deep inside I know it will be the hardest but most rewarding thing I have ever done in my entire life. Harder then pregnancy to say the least lol. And although the thought of being responsible for a child is so so scary, I pray that I will be able to teach and to love this gift from heaven with everything in me. I can't wait to see daddy just melt when he holds his baby for the first time cause I know it will happen.

Isn't that what people say parenthood is like? When it seems like all is lost, you get rewarded in the sweetest, most simple ways. If not, I guess I will learn in time. . . 

 

NOVEMBER SOOOOO FAR. . .

How far along? Almost 31 weeks.
Maternity Clothes? Some yes and some no.
Best moment this week? MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT. And my buck I got.
Not so good moment this week? Ah being sick and not sleeping.
Movement: Yes. Loves to kick Jarrod in the back now too. . .
Gender: Still not finding out. . . But we are super hoping for a boy.
Food Cravings: Egg nog. Apple fritters.
Anything make you sick or queasy: Raw meat. And boiling deer head with Dawn soap.
Symptoms: Legs HURT and headaches like mad. The heartburn is still there too. And I am still puking. So thankful for Diclectin.
Emotions: One word. ROLLERCOASTER.
Looking forward to: Getting Christmas presents to wrap!!!

So I am tagged out for deer season. I shot a whitetail doe which has been great eating, a small two point mule deer buck and a 4 point mule deer buck. We have been giving most of the meat away as our freezer is pretty full and I have been getting used to butchering deer in my kitchen.  Jarrod boiled out my deer skull and it is now hanging on the wall behind the TV and looking mighty fine I must say.  My mule deer buck was probably the hardest thing I have had to shoot so far. 

Here is the story. Jarrod saw him from afar and we drove up closer across the field, Jarrod got him in the binos and said, "You are gonna shoot that deer babe." Great. OK. My gun wasn't sighted in yet so up went the 300  and I was using the truck open window and open door as a rest. I had the cross hairs on him but he was bedded down not far away and the only clear shots I could get were either his head or his butt. So Jarrod starts calling at it to make it get up and hopefully broadside. Buttt it gets up and starts running away. So we hop back in the truck and drive up farther till we are no longer behind it but more beside it. And it's also getting further away. Awesome. So I jump out and Jarrod says use the hood as the rest. Well I am over 7 months pregnant and the truck has a Buckstop and a lift. And the deer is still getting further away. We adjusted the scope for a further shot and I tried to line up and shot. Missed. Clean miss. And the gun wasn't anchored right cause I couldn't get high enough so I FELT that recoil hard. So I got a little bit frustrated and lined up again. He was quartered with his head a bit further ahead and was around 350-400 yards away. I lined up and shot. Well that time he got hit and ran into some bush. So we jumped back in the truck and took off towards the bush line. We got there and Jarrod found him right away but wanted to make sure he was done so shot twice. As we approached him, it looked like I gut shot him. I was basically horrified at my shot but he needed loaded so we loaded him up as it was getting dark. When we were coming back through, the gates were shut. That was a bit confusing as they had been open for a couple weeks but we opened them and closed them after us. As we went through the second one, we looked ahead and the landowner had the road completely blocked. So we pulled up and jumped out. And he looks at us and says, "Oh it's you guys. I'll move out of your way!" He got on his phone right away too. Pretty sure we got the CO called on us by mistake haha. We took him home and Jarrod skinned him. Turned out he wasn't gut shot. Whew. I hit him right at the back of the diaphragm and it came out the shoulder. Good shot.

Jarrod's uncle passed away this just over a week ago. Too young and too soon but we don't make those calls I guess. It was so unexpected and we wish it hadn't of happened. It's put a damper on things and made us all rethink how we value our time together lately. We have been spending alot of time with family and trying to support each other. We were actually supposed to have them over for dinner on Saturday night and thats all I could think about when I first heard. We were able to pool together though and send his wife and two sons to Mexico this weekend since him and his wife were going for their anniversary which happens to be today. It's amazing and tragic how fast life can suddenly change. I am grateful for the things I know for sure. We all miss him. Jarrod especially as they were pretty close. We have asked the family if we can name our son after him if the baby is a boy and they are honoured with the idea so we are kind of more hoping for a boy now.

We laid our new living room flooring and it has transformed our house to some extent. It looks so much better! And cleaner even when it's dirty! You would have never guessed it would make that much of a difference. But it did! I also started to make Christmas decorations yesterday! I made a tree topper and 3 different kinds of ornaments. Only two different kinds left to make! :) KJ gave me some pinecones and I have some bells so I am gonna make up something with those! I also made a mini tree and a wreath with some "greenery" I bought. 

Soon I will be in full force baby stuff making mode. I want to so bad but I am making myself finish some other things first! Other then the cold plague hitting the household, not much else is happening! Jarrod has to go out and shoot some deer I guess! ;)