I was talking to a friend on Facebook a while back. She had just added me and since our last encounter we had bothgotten married. I had a chat bubble come up and she asked me how life was and how marriage was going. I replied:
It's hard.
It wasn't that I was upset with my marriage or my husband or my life. I was just acknowledging the truth. Marriage is hard for me. She replied in the most interesting way and said thank you. Then she went on to express how much she appreciated my honesty. She was raised in a religious family and had gotten married young and she had struggled with her marriage. It was a lot harder then she had expected. She felt like everyone around her had a perfect marriage because when they were asked a similar question, they all stated how it was amazing and how they loved every minute of it. No one seemed to be struggling except her. Now she knew she wasn't the only one.
I still have the opinion that marriage is hard. It's hard to keep the spice. It's hard to combine two lifestyles. It's hard to manage money and different childhoods. It's hard to change and it's hard to work with the change in others. Some may not find that hard at the beginning or at all for that matter but many do.
In a moment of frustration last night, I realized that I needed to step up for my husband. We both discussed certain changes that had taken place, things we missed, things we liked and disliked and how life had gotten ahead of us. We were both stressed out and are still working a lot on effective communication.
I realized I had been holding back in something that I can't even hold back in. I need to serve my husband and make him feel wanted and special even though at first, I may get nothing in return. I hadn't been working hard enough for that one person who deserves it and I need to change.
Marriage is full of good days and bad days, amazing days and ugly days. At least for me anyways. We don't always get along and other times we work together seamlessly. But he will always be my best friend and I love him more then I could ever imagine.
Even though sometimes it's hard too.
Wednesday 25 September 2013
Monday 23 September 2013
It's all in the balance
Since my anti supermom post, I have been thinking and attempting the topic of balance.
I have struggled with the position of stay at home mom. I have always been a employee. In fact, I loved being a employee. I like working long hours, associating with different people, having deadlines and being part of a company that expected and required me to complete tasks. I enjoyed learning and discussing issues with my superiors and problem solving. I had motivation and drive to impress those I worked with and those I worked for.
Then I got pregnant. My employment ended about 6 months into my pregnancy and I was going to have the opportunity to stay at home. My husband loved the idea of me being home and we had agreed that this was that best way for our family to raise our children. Initially, I was extremely excited. I had never really stayed home before and the last few years I had spent in working camps so the idea of being home was different.
Little did I know what rushes of emotion were going to present themselves. Soon I felt guilt because I wasn't providing a substantial income to our families finances. It felt like I was doing nothing to improve our situation. My husband and I swallowed a lot in life really fast and the financial strains were and are still extremely difficult for us to handle. We both went from being very financially independent individuals with our own financial goals to suddenly combining finances. Waves of feelings came over me. I felt like a talentless, lazy, guilty individual which led to a slight depression. Those are still emotions that pop up time to time but I am learning how to deal with them.
I then realized how much work being a stay at mom could be. I had never been so unmotivated in my entire life. My depression got worse as I began to spend days on end on the couch with no energy and no drive.
Being a stay at home mom is harder. Something I had never thought that was possible is that staying at home is harder. There is no one to motivate you, there are no deadlines or expectations except that which you do for yourself.
You have to decide what's for dinner and make it.
No one tells you when to clean your house or wash your hair or when to get out of bed or when to mow the lawn.
No one expects you to stop watching tv or have the laundry folded or the bed made.
No one makes a schedule for you to work out, practice playing the piano or work on a project you would like to finish.
And I realized until I made those expectations of myself and motivated myself to do them, I was going to sit in the same hole I was always going to.
So I tried to be supermom. That obviously didn't go as planned. *See previous post
It lasted a brief moment till I realized it wasn't going to work.
I needed to find a way to motivate myself without overwhelming myself because both extremes are more damaging then helpful. So the last two weeks I have been trying a few things to increase my production and quality as an individual, as a mother and as a housewife. So far I have been seeing good results which I hope will also improve with time. Here are a few things I decided to try:
1)Set goals and a schedule.
Set daily goals. Set weekly goals. Set hourly goals. I wanted to get a realistic list of things I could accomplish within certain time frames. And it totally works. I write them down in my day planner and make little check marks. Oh I love checkmarks.
2)Don't turn on the TV.
I find as soon as I turn on the TV, I lose motivation. Whether it's a show or a movie or anything. As soon as I start to bank couch time, the whole day is suddenly gone.
3) "Forget my cell phone."
I spend a lot of time on my cell phone. I usually try to make sure I have it within an accessible distance but I don't need to be on it every dull second in the doctors office or in the grocery store and so on. My son actually deserves that time more then my phone. Some days I do better then others but it's a work in progress.
4) Start first thing.
For me, lazy mornings make lazy days and there ain't no time for that! If I start right after breakfast, I find it amazing how much I can get accomplished. If I have an appointment in town, I try and make it as early as possible to help me get started..
5) Glam up a bit.
I find that if I put on some makeup or do my hair, I feel better about my day. I don't go all out. Heck, if I get a ponytail, that's an achievement.
6) Go outside.
Stetson is so high energy and loves being outside and when I make it out there, so do I. I have been trying to spend some time outside everyday whether it's a walk or a play at the park or mowing the lawn.
Those are the six things I have been trying to incorporate into my day to make me a happier, more productive, better quality mother and wife. I don't have to do everything. Just something. There is no reason to sit on the couch and watch TV or read all day. My husband deserves more, my children deserve more and I deserve more. If I am to expect anything of them, I must expect something of myself and set an example. Every day is a new beginning and a new challenge. And it's all about balance.
I have struggled with the position of stay at home mom. I have always been a employee. In fact, I loved being a employee. I like working long hours, associating with different people, having deadlines and being part of a company that expected and required me to complete tasks. I enjoyed learning and discussing issues with my superiors and problem solving. I had motivation and drive to impress those I worked with and those I worked for.
Then I got pregnant. My employment ended about 6 months into my pregnancy and I was going to have the opportunity to stay at home. My husband loved the idea of me being home and we had agreed that this was that best way for our family to raise our children. Initially, I was extremely excited. I had never really stayed home before and the last few years I had spent in working camps so the idea of being home was different.
Little did I know what rushes of emotion were going to present themselves. Soon I felt guilt because I wasn't providing a substantial income to our families finances. It felt like I was doing nothing to improve our situation. My husband and I swallowed a lot in life really fast and the financial strains were and are still extremely difficult for us to handle. We both went from being very financially independent individuals with our own financial goals to suddenly combining finances. Waves of feelings came over me. I felt like a talentless, lazy, guilty individual which led to a slight depression. Those are still emotions that pop up time to time but I am learning how to deal with them.
I then realized how much work being a stay at mom could be. I had never been so unmotivated in my entire life. My depression got worse as I began to spend days on end on the couch with no energy and no drive.
Being a stay at home mom is harder. Something I had never thought that was possible is that staying at home is harder. There is no one to motivate you, there are no deadlines or expectations except that which you do for yourself.
You have to decide what's for dinner and make it.
No one tells you when to clean your house or wash your hair or when to get out of bed or when to mow the lawn.
No one expects you to stop watching tv or have the laundry folded or the bed made.
No one makes a schedule for you to work out, practice playing the piano or work on a project you would like to finish.
And I realized until I made those expectations of myself and motivated myself to do them, I was going to sit in the same hole I was always going to.
So I tried to be supermom. That obviously didn't go as planned. *See previous post
It lasted a brief moment till I realized it wasn't going to work.
I needed to find a way to motivate myself without overwhelming myself because both extremes are more damaging then helpful. So the last two weeks I have been trying a few things to increase my production and quality as an individual, as a mother and as a housewife. So far I have been seeing good results which I hope will also improve with time. Here are a few things I decided to try:
1)Set goals and a schedule.
Set daily goals. Set weekly goals. Set hourly goals. I wanted to get a realistic list of things I could accomplish within certain time frames. And it totally works. I write them down in my day planner and make little check marks. Oh I love checkmarks.
2)Don't turn on the TV.
I find as soon as I turn on the TV, I lose motivation. Whether it's a show or a movie or anything. As soon as I start to bank couch time, the whole day is suddenly gone.
3) "Forget my cell phone."
I spend a lot of time on my cell phone. I usually try to make sure I have it within an accessible distance but I don't need to be on it every dull second in the doctors office or in the grocery store and so on. My son actually deserves that time more then my phone. Some days I do better then others but it's a work in progress.
4) Start first thing.
For me, lazy mornings make lazy days and there ain't no time for that! If I start right after breakfast, I find it amazing how much I can get accomplished. If I have an appointment in town, I try and make it as early as possible to help me get started..
5) Glam up a bit.
I find that if I put on some makeup or do my hair, I feel better about my day. I don't go all out. Heck, if I get a ponytail, that's an achievement.
6) Go outside.
Stetson is so high energy and loves being outside and when I make it out there, so do I. I have been trying to spend some time outside everyday whether it's a walk or a play at the park or mowing the lawn.
Those are the six things I have been trying to incorporate into my day to make me a happier, more productive, better quality mother and wife. I don't have to do everything. Just something. There is no reason to sit on the couch and watch TV or read all day. My husband deserves more, my children deserve more and I deserve more. If I am to expect anything of them, I must expect something of myself and set an example. Every day is a new beginning and a new challenge. And it's all about balance.
Tuesday 3 September 2013
Realities
Oh the realities. 7 months ago, I had a beautiful baby boy. He is amazing in all ways. Smart, cute, energetic and he loves me. Oh does he love me. Despite the fact that sometimes my hair doesn't get brushed or my house doesn't get cleaned or that sometimes dinner is less the desirable.
But he also demands the most of me. He demands my sleep time, my patience, my smiles, my energy and my love.
I don't know about other moms but I know about me. 7 months later, I still have no energy, I still cry at commercials, I get overwhelmed and end up sobbing on the floor. My house goes uncleaned, my hair goes unbrushed and sometimes getting up and eating seems the most difficult thing to accomplish.
But I would never take it back and sometimes it it takes me a second to sit back and realize that. Motherhood is the most difficult and straining thing I have ever undertook. Everything inside you wants to be the most perfect, put together, organized housewife there is that accomplishes everything you have set out to do in a day. But I know I can never be that person.
I will never be supermom.
It took me seven months to admit it to myself. I am not sure when I will feel ok again, when I will have my energy back, when I will lose the weight I would like to lose, when I will not cry in lame chick flicks, when the constant throbbing headaches will go away or when my sex drive will come back. But I know I have a little boy and a husband who I love with all my heart.
I have learned that having high expectations of myself and then failing sends me into a deep depression that not only affects me but my family. The guilt that I create in my life could hurt the people I love the most. It sucks the life out of me.
So here is to having real expectations. They won't win me any awards but they will get me through the day and keep me smiling for the people I love. And that is my reality. Lots of times I lose my focus and I forget that I can't be this perfect machine and then I get depressed.
I can't be anyone else, I can only be myself. I am not supermom. I will never be an amazing housewife. But I will do my best everyday to ensure I am happy and my family is happy. And I will get better as I realize that life is what you make it, not how much you appear to accomplish. I have much to learn and there is lots of room to grow. Everything takes time. Those are my realities.
But he also demands the most of me. He demands my sleep time, my patience, my smiles, my energy and my love.
I don't know about other moms but I know about me. 7 months later, I still have no energy, I still cry at commercials, I get overwhelmed and end up sobbing on the floor. My house goes uncleaned, my hair goes unbrushed and sometimes getting up and eating seems the most difficult thing to accomplish.
But I would never take it back and sometimes it it takes me a second to sit back and realize that. Motherhood is the most difficult and straining thing I have ever undertook. Everything inside you wants to be the most perfect, put together, organized housewife there is that accomplishes everything you have set out to do in a day. But I know I can never be that person.
I will never be supermom.
It took me seven months to admit it to myself. I am not sure when I will feel ok again, when I will have my energy back, when I will lose the weight I would like to lose, when I will not cry in lame chick flicks, when the constant throbbing headaches will go away or when my sex drive will come back. But I know I have a little boy and a husband who I love with all my heart.
I have learned that having high expectations of myself and then failing sends me into a deep depression that not only affects me but my family. The guilt that I create in my life could hurt the people I love the most. It sucks the life out of me.
So here is to having real expectations. They won't win me any awards but they will get me through the day and keep me smiling for the people I love. And that is my reality. Lots of times I lose my focus and I forget that I can't be this perfect machine and then I get depressed.
I can't be anyone else, I can only be myself. I am not supermom. I will never be an amazing housewife. But I will do my best everyday to ensure I am happy and my family is happy. And I will get better as I realize that life is what you make it, not how much you appear to accomplish. I have much to learn and there is lots of room to grow. Everything takes time. Those are my realities.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)