I have a hobby. I love learning about people. I love learning about minds and how addictions, nurturing patterns, habits, abuse and personality all work to make up the complexity of a person. I spend a lot of time reading about different studies and different observations of human behaviours. In addition, I learn a lot about myself. Lately, I have learned something different about myself though, a side I always hid well or never wished to exhibit or accept.
Hi, my name is Anna and I suffer from anxiety.
I always thought I dodged the bullet with anxiety. I have family members that highly suffer from it but I never accepted the possibility that I may have it as well. A couple months ago, I started getting atrocious headaches. To the point where I could barely function. My doctor suggested tension as a source and I brushed it off. Tension? I don't have that much tension. Fast forward to a couple months later, I have been taking some serious drugs for back pain and headaches and I opted for the chiropractor. She recommends a massage therapist because the muscles in my upper back and neck would take her too much time to work out and I wouldn't benefit as much. Oh well that's ok is my thought process. Fast forward to two weekends ago, we were lynx hunting and Christmas tree hunting. Not a big deal right? Wrong. I felt so nauseous. I was stressing out that I couldn't look for Christmas trees and lynx tracks at the same time. My muscles were tense. My back started aching. I was in pain. I wanted a perfect Christmas tree and what if I missed one? What if we couldn't find one? I couldn't look into the sun anymore. My husband looked at me and asked me why I was so grumpy. I wasn't grumpy! I was stressed and in pain and frustrated and irritated. I was dangling in the no man's land between snapping and crying. But I don't suffer from anxiety. My constant worrying had nothing to do with it. And it was literally over nothing important.
This weekend, we had a really busy schedule. It seemed like every moment was booked with some sort of goal NEEDING to be accomplished. Usually I thrive in high demand situations but I only do on my own. If Jarrod starts stressing, I feed off it almost and end up beyond stressing. I want to make him not stressed so I stress myself out with his stress which makes for a high strung Anna. On Sunday afternoon, I hit a brick wall. I opened up. I had a mini freak out. I finally told my husband my worries. I told him about the Christmas tree, I told him the road conditions were stressing me out, the fact I would have to drive a truck pulling a trailer, I told him I was worried about leaving Stetson. I told him I was stressed about being worried. I was stressed out from being in pain. I was worried I wasn't a good mom. I was worried we might get stuck driving in the snow. I worry about dinner, Jarrod's safety, about not having clean clothes, about my house being clean, about not having any talents, about not visiting friends or family, about having no time for anything it seemed. He laughed, looked at me like I was slightly crazy and it slapped me in the face. I am anxious. I am an anxious person. And for some reason in the last year it has escalated significantly. I find different people stress me out, every situation seems to have a trigger. And there seems to always be a side of me thats freaking out inside even though I may be all calm on the outside. There seems to be a couple different Annas! The strong one, the one falling apart, the one so stressed out she's scared to move, the one thats got it together and telling others it's not a big deal, the emotional Anna, the feeling amazing Anna, the in pain one, the scared Anna, the defiant one and the submissive Anna. Oh I am sure I am missing other ones for sure and I suddenly feel a pang of sympathy for my husband. He has to deal with them all. The fear and worry of failure seems to have overwhelmed and overcome my little anxious, seem to want to be a perfectionist at everything life.
I can't "fix" it unfortunately. It is something that I will have to deal with on a daily, monthly, hourly basis I am sure. I know I am not alone but the thing about anxiety is that you feel alone and you try to say you are anxious about something and people laugh or think your completely nuts. Or you try and brush it off and it goes into that bottle that presents itself as irritation or temper until it finally explodes and you are in full meltdown and it's hard to pinpoint a cause or a solution. The last few weeks have really demonstrated to me how poor mental health is so much an all encompassing factor in the lives of those affected. I know there are days that I feel it on a very physical and emotional level. To all those who are affected as well, you aren't crazy, alone or overemotional or a hypochondriac. Depression and anxiety often walk hand in hand and they are very real. I know there are days when my brain just checks out it seems because it's had enough. It's hard to concentrate or focus or think and I feel like I am swimming and I can't seem to come up for mental air. How frustrating it must be for my family but I know I am the one who is frustrated the most. But I will make it through. There can always be improvement.
I am not alone.
Tuesday 17 December 2013
Monday 9 December 2013
Why we will teach our kids to trap, hunt and farm.
I was not raised in a farming, hunting or trapping lifestyle. My parents had a few chickens and my dad is a horse lover so therefore owns a couple horses but we only had a small acreage so I was raised a want-to-be-country girl. I moved to a small town in British Columbia and proceeded to meet my husband whom some describe as the ultimate redneck. I then learned about a lot of things that I had never learned about before. I learned how to shoot a gun, I learned the difference between a Hereford and a Red Angus, I learned how to set a marten box and still have many other things to learn.
The experience that led me to this post happened because of our trapping this winter. We had been asked by a couple ranchers to set out traps and snares for certain predators, one of which being wolves. It didn't freeze fast this year and we have had some trouble finding bait for such animals. One rancher was even willing to shoot a cow because their wolf issues were so bad. I called around highway maintenance and local dairies and farms letting them know we are looking for animals that we could possibly use. I was also part of a couple horse sites on Facebook. Trying to target a horse dense community, I posted that if people were comfortable donating or selling their fading or passed away animals to us, please let us know. Oh the replies. The scathing and absolutely atrocious things people said after that were insane. Obviously these people have never seen an animal brought down by a predator and I understood that but they didn't have to be so rude about something they didn't even remotely understand and that totally affects them in ways they do not wish to see.
And I started thinking. My children will be adults one day and how would I want them to react to a situation such as this and why we are working to raise them the way we are. Many of the people replying got offended that I would ask for a dead animal or their beloved pet to bait yet another animal to it's death. Many thought it was cruel or disgusting and stated so very profanely. My thought was that I would like to educate my children to be smarter, kinder and better then that. Some things I would love my kids to learn include:
1) There is always work to do.
One thing I am learning, there is always work to do. Things are always need fixed, animals need watered and fed, traps need fixed and built and checked and your life revolves around the work. Christmas day, -40, raining or snowing, things need done and you don't get rewarded with a paycheck every two weeks. Lots of times, it isn't about what you want to do but about what needs done. The work often comes before your comfort or schedule. We are the caretakers of our animals and they trust us to be fed and cared for. We serve them and they serve us often in life and in death.
2) Purpose and respect for animals.
Every animal has a use on the farm. Chickens lay eggs, dogs herd cows and keep predators away, horses work cows, cows and pigs provide income and food. The better you train, feed or maintain your animals, the more you will get from them. I am a horse lover. I know the more time I put on my horse, the more friendly and useful he becomes. Hunting and trapping is also teaching me that respect. We always try to take the most painless, ethical shot and I get upset if I do not succeed. We realize animals can be beautiful and dangerous. I have come understand the impact they make on an ecosystem and the work it takes to put one in the freezer or on a stretch board. All animals we harvest serve a purpose. Whether it's the fur, the meat, ending pain or protecting other animals, there is always a purpose. And that to us is respect.
3) Death happens and sometimes it's not about you.
I grow emotional attachments to animals but I know one day they will need to serve a different purpose. I will bawl my eyes out when the first horse I have ever owned dies but I will not want to sit back and watch him suffer till death from disease or old age. We will have to put down animals whether it's a foal who broke a leg or a dog that's irreversibly ill, pet or not. It's a point in life and things don't deserve to suffer because someone's emotional attachment makes them selfish. Death isn't pretty or uncommon. Both I and my children will see it first hand but it will always happen and sometimes it will be about feeding our family, protecting our livestock or ending pain. Sometimes it will happen in childbirth, with disease or uncontrollable circumstances. It's happened for thousands of years and will continue to happen.
4) Even toy guns aren't toys.
Regardless of what people think, we are not people who wield guns in an irresponsible, foolish way. Guns are tools that can become dangerous with distraction, inexperience and irresponsibility. My husband has got after me for certain mistakes I have made with a firearm that has allowed me to make it become dangerous. Our children will never be allowed to point any firearm, toy or real, at another person without getting in serious trouble. This is part of the reason why my husband and I have agreed not to invite video games consoles into our home. A game that simulates shooting other people seems way more detrimental to us then a day on the farm, a day checking traps or a hunting trip. Shooting an animal serves a purpose, shooting a person does not. Real or fake.
5) Things don't always come from a store.
Our meat doesn't come from a store usually. I would love our children to learn how to harvest an animal for their freezer, how to grow a garden, how to preserve the fruits of their labours for future use. I am very much in the learning stage of canning, butchering and preserving but I would love to become confident with it so I can teach my children where meat actually comes from, how to plant seeds and make things grow and how to put those things to use. It is very rewarding to know where you food is coming from. At least for me.
6) Nature is not kind.
Wolves kill calf moose, cattle and calves. Boars kill bear cubs in order to throw a sow back into heat. Ravens will eat an animal while it's still alive. Coyotes will too. Wild animals are not pets, they are beautiful and majestic and primal. It's a cycle of life that few these days seem to realize happens. Cougars wait in trees to surprise their prey, bulls and bucks beat each other up in the rut fighting for females. Wolves will eat you alive, a bear will attack you and a cougar will stalk you. They aren't just pretty things that you see on the side of the road once and a while. Predator and animal management is essential to farming and hunting lifestyles. If it wasn't, stores would have empty shelves and many people would be lost as to where to get food.
7) We are always learning.
There is always a new situation, a new obstacle, or a new approach to things. We have to learn and adjust and change. There is always room to be better and to grow and to take advice. No one knows everything and it seems only the most experienced will admit it. Every animal, every day and every season seems to provide different challenges and I learn new things every day. We should always be open to more education. Knowledge is power they say. Everyone has different opinions and we should respect them but also maintain and educate our own.
Those are a few of the things I am slowly learning and that I want to pass on. I firmly believe this lifestyle is an efficient and effective way to teach my children certain things about life and death and self sufficiency. Hunting and trapping are traditional and are way more common then many people believe and allow beef prices to stay lower and prevent ranch and farm losses. Agriculture and farming are necessary to our future to provide food for the many that do not grow their own food. Many may view our lifestyle as one of the past but I know it is still very much present. We do our best to not prolong pain or endorse cruelty and are always upgrading equipment and approaches to provide efficient and quality performance. A lot of work, thought, money and education goes into our actions when dealing with any kind of animal that people do not see or wish to see. The fact is, we find it hard and rewarding to be able to depend on the land for a portion of our living and that will never change as long as we can help it. I will always do my best to pass that knowledge on for the next generation.
The experience that led me to this post happened because of our trapping this winter. We had been asked by a couple ranchers to set out traps and snares for certain predators, one of which being wolves. It didn't freeze fast this year and we have had some trouble finding bait for such animals. One rancher was even willing to shoot a cow because their wolf issues were so bad. I called around highway maintenance and local dairies and farms letting them know we are looking for animals that we could possibly use. I was also part of a couple horse sites on Facebook. Trying to target a horse dense community, I posted that if people were comfortable donating or selling their fading or passed away animals to us, please let us know. Oh the replies. The scathing and absolutely atrocious things people said after that were insane. Obviously these people have never seen an animal brought down by a predator and I understood that but they didn't have to be so rude about something they didn't even remotely understand and that totally affects them in ways they do not wish to see.
And I started thinking. My children will be adults one day and how would I want them to react to a situation such as this and why we are working to raise them the way we are. Many of the people replying got offended that I would ask for a dead animal or their beloved pet to bait yet another animal to it's death. Many thought it was cruel or disgusting and stated so very profanely. My thought was that I would like to educate my children to be smarter, kinder and better then that. Some things I would love my kids to learn include:
1) There is always work to do.
One thing I am learning, there is always work to do. Things are always need fixed, animals need watered and fed, traps need fixed and built and checked and your life revolves around the work. Christmas day, -40, raining or snowing, things need done and you don't get rewarded with a paycheck every two weeks. Lots of times, it isn't about what you want to do but about what needs done. The work often comes before your comfort or schedule. We are the caretakers of our animals and they trust us to be fed and cared for. We serve them and they serve us often in life and in death.
2) Purpose and respect for animals.
Every animal has a use on the farm. Chickens lay eggs, dogs herd cows and keep predators away, horses work cows, cows and pigs provide income and food. The better you train, feed or maintain your animals, the more you will get from them. I am a horse lover. I know the more time I put on my horse, the more friendly and useful he becomes. Hunting and trapping is also teaching me that respect. We always try to take the most painless, ethical shot and I get upset if I do not succeed. We realize animals can be beautiful and dangerous. I have come understand the impact they make on an ecosystem and the work it takes to put one in the freezer or on a stretch board. All animals we harvest serve a purpose. Whether it's the fur, the meat, ending pain or protecting other animals, there is always a purpose. And that to us is respect.
3) Death happens and sometimes it's not about you.
I grow emotional attachments to animals but I know one day they will need to serve a different purpose. I will bawl my eyes out when the first horse I have ever owned dies but I will not want to sit back and watch him suffer till death from disease or old age. We will have to put down animals whether it's a foal who broke a leg or a dog that's irreversibly ill, pet or not. It's a point in life and things don't deserve to suffer because someone's emotional attachment makes them selfish. Death isn't pretty or uncommon. Both I and my children will see it first hand but it will always happen and sometimes it will be about feeding our family, protecting our livestock or ending pain. Sometimes it will happen in childbirth, with disease or uncontrollable circumstances. It's happened for thousands of years and will continue to happen.
4) Even toy guns aren't toys.
Regardless of what people think, we are not people who wield guns in an irresponsible, foolish way. Guns are tools that can become dangerous with distraction, inexperience and irresponsibility. My husband has got after me for certain mistakes I have made with a firearm that has allowed me to make it become dangerous. Our children will never be allowed to point any firearm, toy or real, at another person without getting in serious trouble. This is part of the reason why my husband and I have agreed not to invite video games consoles into our home. A game that simulates shooting other people seems way more detrimental to us then a day on the farm, a day checking traps or a hunting trip. Shooting an animal serves a purpose, shooting a person does not. Real or fake.
5) Things don't always come from a store.
Our meat doesn't come from a store usually. I would love our children to learn how to harvest an animal for their freezer, how to grow a garden, how to preserve the fruits of their labours for future use. I am very much in the learning stage of canning, butchering and preserving but I would love to become confident with it so I can teach my children where meat actually comes from, how to plant seeds and make things grow and how to put those things to use. It is very rewarding to know where you food is coming from. At least for me.
6) Nature is not kind.
Wolves kill calf moose, cattle and calves. Boars kill bear cubs in order to throw a sow back into heat. Ravens will eat an animal while it's still alive. Coyotes will too. Wild animals are not pets, they are beautiful and majestic and primal. It's a cycle of life that few these days seem to realize happens. Cougars wait in trees to surprise their prey, bulls and bucks beat each other up in the rut fighting for females. Wolves will eat you alive, a bear will attack you and a cougar will stalk you. They aren't just pretty things that you see on the side of the road once and a while. Predator and animal management is essential to farming and hunting lifestyles. If it wasn't, stores would have empty shelves and many people would be lost as to where to get food.
7) We are always learning.
There is always a new situation, a new obstacle, or a new approach to things. We have to learn and adjust and change. There is always room to be better and to grow and to take advice. No one knows everything and it seems only the most experienced will admit it. Every animal, every day and every season seems to provide different challenges and I learn new things every day. We should always be open to more education. Knowledge is power they say. Everyone has different opinions and we should respect them but also maintain and educate our own.
Those are a few of the things I am slowly learning and that I want to pass on. I firmly believe this lifestyle is an efficient and effective way to teach my children certain things about life and death and self sufficiency. Hunting and trapping are traditional and are way more common then many people believe and allow beef prices to stay lower and prevent ranch and farm losses. Agriculture and farming are necessary to our future to provide food for the many that do not grow their own food. Many may view our lifestyle as one of the past but I know it is still very much present. We do our best to not prolong pain or endorse cruelty and are always upgrading equipment and approaches to provide efficient and quality performance. A lot of work, thought, money and education goes into our actions when dealing with any kind of animal that people do not see or wish to see. The fact is, we find it hard and rewarding to be able to depend on the land for a portion of our living and that will never change as long as we can help it. I will always do my best to pass that knowledge on for the next generation.
Wednesday 9 October 2013
We cannot sink lower
Last night, I was having a hard time sleeping so I was browsing Pinterest. My ultimate addiction. It was General Conference this past weekend so lots of my friends who are active members of the church were gleefully posting quotes by General Authorities. As I scrolled through, I got caught up in reading these random quotes and found myself pinning them. I wasn't sure want to think and I wasn't sure how I felt.
I have been inactive for several years and I have struggled with certain addictions that go against how I was raised and the things that I know are true. There were points when I would try and go back. At those moments, I would hit a wall of temptation and confusion and emotion that was so overwhelming. Frustration would overcome me as I felt I was struggling through the darkness of my life and I could honestly say that I would give up. The goal seemed out of reach. The sins I had committed seemed too large and the abuse my soul had endured and was still enduring seemed out of healing's reach. A lot of it seemed to be whether I would ever feel worthy or clean enough to marry an LDS man in the temple. Whether I could totally be changed and renewed or loved.
At one of the ultimate lows in my life in regards to my relationship with my Heavenly Father and several other aspects, I met my husband Jarrod. Suddenly there was someone who was willing to love me and take care of me for who I was with no demands. I concluded that this was happiness. I got pregnant and I got married. In lots of ways, Jarrod saved me and I love him more then words can describe. But I still silently struggled with religion, self acceptance and this knowledge that I had with the way I was raised. A couple times, I tried explaining this to Jarrod but it was hard to convey how I was feeling to him. I actually had a conversation with Jarrod's aunt after I had my son and was trying to explain my internal struggle and how it may affect my marriage. And she mentioned that the only thing she could see pushing us apart was me pursuing the LDS religion.
Jarrod has expressed his complete disinterest in conversations before and my husband is very set in his thoughts and opinions. A good thing at times and a frustrating thing at others. One evening a couple weeks ago, I was having a discussion with my mother and she was wondering where I stood with myself and raising my child. I mentioned my internal struggle and how I don't think Jarrod would ever accept the gospel. Then she mentioned how the Lord works miracles and makes things possible when we think they are out of reach. I pondered that for a couple days and then forgot about it.
Back to last night. As I was scrolling through these quotes, one struck me. Like it totally applied to my thoughts and situation.
"However late you think you are, however many chances you think you may have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don't have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have travelled, I testify that you have not travelled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's atonement shines." Jeffrey R. Holland
And in that moment I realized that I was scared. I was scared to try. I was scared to lose my marriage, my family, my life. All these thoughts rushed through my head about how the Lord can work miracles and how He can change people, their lives and their hearts. And I realized that it needs to start with me. All I could do was try and have faith the Lord would do the rest for me and for my family. Because the gospel is love. It's love for our families, love for our Heavenly Father and love for our Saviour. And because I love my family I want to have that love in my home.
So this morning I got up. I didn't drink my coffee and I am reading scriptures and having family prayers with my son. Maybe one day my husband will join us, maybe not. But I can no longer be scared to try. All I can do is pray that one day that infinite light will illuminate my life and the hearts of those I love so much.
I have been inactive for several years and I have struggled with certain addictions that go against how I was raised and the things that I know are true. There were points when I would try and go back. At those moments, I would hit a wall of temptation and confusion and emotion that was so overwhelming. Frustration would overcome me as I felt I was struggling through the darkness of my life and I could honestly say that I would give up. The goal seemed out of reach. The sins I had committed seemed too large and the abuse my soul had endured and was still enduring seemed out of healing's reach. A lot of it seemed to be whether I would ever feel worthy or clean enough to marry an LDS man in the temple. Whether I could totally be changed and renewed or loved.
At one of the ultimate lows in my life in regards to my relationship with my Heavenly Father and several other aspects, I met my husband Jarrod. Suddenly there was someone who was willing to love me and take care of me for who I was with no demands. I concluded that this was happiness. I got pregnant and I got married. In lots of ways, Jarrod saved me and I love him more then words can describe. But I still silently struggled with religion, self acceptance and this knowledge that I had with the way I was raised. A couple times, I tried explaining this to Jarrod but it was hard to convey how I was feeling to him. I actually had a conversation with Jarrod's aunt after I had my son and was trying to explain my internal struggle and how it may affect my marriage. And she mentioned that the only thing she could see pushing us apart was me pursuing the LDS religion.
Jarrod has expressed his complete disinterest in conversations before and my husband is very set in his thoughts and opinions. A good thing at times and a frustrating thing at others. One evening a couple weeks ago, I was having a discussion with my mother and she was wondering where I stood with myself and raising my child. I mentioned my internal struggle and how I don't think Jarrod would ever accept the gospel. Then she mentioned how the Lord works miracles and makes things possible when we think they are out of reach. I pondered that for a couple days and then forgot about it.
Back to last night. As I was scrolling through these quotes, one struck me. Like it totally applied to my thoughts and situation.
"However late you think you are, however many chances you think you may have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don't have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have travelled, I testify that you have not travelled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's atonement shines." Jeffrey R. Holland
And in that moment I realized that I was scared. I was scared to try. I was scared to lose my marriage, my family, my life. All these thoughts rushed through my head about how the Lord can work miracles and how He can change people, their lives and their hearts. And I realized that it needs to start with me. All I could do was try and have faith the Lord would do the rest for me and for my family. Because the gospel is love. It's love for our families, love for our Heavenly Father and love for our Saviour. And because I love my family I want to have that love in my home.
So this morning I got up. I didn't drink my coffee and I am reading scriptures and having family prayers with my son. Maybe one day my husband will join us, maybe not. But I can no longer be scared to try. All I can do is pray that one day that infinite light will illuminate my life and the hearts of those I love so much.
Wednesday 2 October 2013
Throwing it away
The past three weeks I have had the opportunity to join a clinic weight loss group that promotes a rapid weight loss with a lifestyle change. So far I have almost lost 14 pounds through smaller portions sizes, lower carbs and being aware of what I am putting into my body.
I have always been aware of my weight and self image. Honestly, I have been all over the map with it. I have been heavier, I have been more in shape, I have been pregnant, I have have been lighter. When I started to gain weight, I was extremely uncomfortable with it. I never hated myself, I just knew I was heavier then I felt was healthy. I have a lot of knowledge of fitness and eating well, which at times I have ignored and at other times taken to heart.
At one time I was living with a family who was very much love yourself no matter what size you are. And I would often say I was overweight and needed to lose weight and they would quickly state how I was just fine and beautiful the way I was. I understood the mentality they were trying to uphold but I was stating a fact. My weight was making me uncomfortable. I was never slighting my self worth by stating such facts, I was just recognizing and trying to solve the problem. And it was a problem for me. I don't like feeling unhealthy or losing my breath on a walk or having to buy bigger pants.
Recently I have been thinking about that experience and food and weight and health a lot because of how involved I have been in this program. Media is very pressuring to maintain a "hot body" persay but I find the retaliation a bit more disturbing. Pictures comparing anorexic to overweight women and which one you would prefer to be or be with, "curves" are better slogans and such. I AM NOT A THIN WOMEN but I take offense to the fact that people are trying to make unhealthy habits the norm. Whether it be too big or too small, it seems many seek to fight for acceptance for endangering their health.
It is not healthy to be extremely overweight or underweight, that's a fact. I have a very blunt doctor who will tell me that I am getting too overweight or I am reaching a good level of health and I appreciate the honesty. Someone is finally honest. Because it's not ok to be overweight. It's an epidemic. Yesterday, during our meeting, my doctor had just returned from Vegas and he mentioned the overweight children and how sad it was to see an overweight 10 year old whose knees were already starting to be damaged by excess weight. He wanted to approach the parents and tell them how they were endangering their child's health by what was going in his mouth. And that was a child! Doesn't that just infuriate that the parents would take no responsibility in making sure their child had a healthy, balanced diet in order to enjoy their life to the fullest? Why do we not empower our children to be healthy and happy and active?
So throughout the last few weeks, I have decided that I would like to take control back of my life. I can't blame my weight on Christmas or the cake or others because I ATE IT. And it's hard to say no, it's hard to resist the temptation of overindulging. But I need to do this to be an example for my children and to be able to not be self conscious about how I look and to not feel like crap. I want and need to be healthy and I am not going to sit back and let people tell me to love my "curves" which are actually rolls of unnecessary body fat caused by copious amounts of sweets and greasy food. I already love myself enough to realize I need to change.
So here's to throwing it away and the journey has just begun.
Wednesday 25 September 2013
The good, the bad and the ugly
I was talking to a friend on Facebook a while back. She had just added me and since our last encounter we had bothgotten married. I had a chat bubble come up and she asked me how life was and how marriage was going. I replied:
It's hard.
It wasn't that I was upset with my marriage or my husband or my life. I was just acknowledging the truth. Marriage is hard for me. She replied in the most interesting way and said thank you. Then she went on to express how much she appreciated my honesty. She was raised in a religious family and had gotten married young and she had struggled with her marriage. It was a lot harder then she had expected. She felt like everyone around her had a perfect marriage because when they were asked a similar question, they all stated how it was amazing and how they loved every minute of it. No one seemed to be struggling except her. Now she knew she wasn't the only one.
I still have the opinion that marriage is hard. It's hard to keep the spice. It's hard to combine two lifestyles. It's hard to manage money and different childhoods. It's hard to change and it's hard to work with the change in others. Some may not find that hard at the beginning or at all for that matter but many do.
In a moment of frustration last night, I realized that I needed to step up for my husband. We both discussed certain changes that had taken place, things we missed, things we liked and disliked and how life had gotten ahead of us. We were both stressed out and are still working a lot on effective communication.
I realized I had been holding back in something that I can't even hold back in. I need to serve my husband and make him feel wanted and special even though at first, I may get nothing in return. I hadn't been working hard enough for that one person who deserves it and I need to change.
Marriage is full of good days and bad days, amazing days and ugly days. At least for me anyways. We don't always get along and other times we work together seamlessly. But he will always be my best friend and I love him more then I could ever imagine.
Even though sometimes it's hard too.
It's hard.
It wasn't that I was upset with my marriage or my husband or my life. I was just acknowledging the truth. Marriage is hard for me. She replied in the most interesting way and said thank you. Then she went on to express how much she appreciated my honesty. She was raised in a religious family and had gotten married young and she had struggled with her marriage. It was a lot harder then she had expected. She felt like everyone around her had a perfect marriage because when they were asked a similar question, they all stated how it was amazing and how they loved every minute of it. No one seemed to be struggling except her. Now she knew she wasn't the only one.
I still have the opinion that marriage is hard. It's hard to keep the spice. It's hard to combine two lifestyles. It's hard to manage money and different childhoods. It's hard to change and it's hard to work with the change in others. Some may not find that hard at the beginning or at all for that matter but many do.
In a moment of frustration last night, I realized that I needed to step up for my husband. We both discussed certain changes that had taken place, things we missed, things we liked and disliked and how life had gotten ahead of us. We were both stressed out and are still working a lot on effective communication.
I realized I had been holding back in something that I can't even hold back in. I need to serve my husband and make him feel wanted and special even though at first, I may get nothing in return. I hadn't been working hard enough for that one person who deserves it and I need to change.
Marriage is full of good days and bad days, amazing days and ugly days. At least for me anyways. We don't always get along and other times we work together seamlessly. But he will always be my best friend and I love him more then I could ever imagine.
Even though sometimes it's hard too.
Monday 23 September 2013
It's all in the balance
Since my anti supermom post, I have been thinking and attempting the topic of balance.
I have struggled with the position of stay at home mom. I have always been a employee. In fact, I loved being a employee. I like working long hours, associating with different people, having deadlines and being part of a company that expected and required me to complete tasks. I enjoyed learning and discussing issues with my superiors and problem solving. I had motivation and drive to impress those I worked with and those I worked for.
Then I got pregnant. My employment ended about 6 months into my pregnancy and I was going to have the opportunity to stay at home. My husband loved the idea of me being home and we had agreed that this was that best way for our family to raise our children. Initially, I was extremely excited. I had never really stayed home before and the last few years I had spent in working camps so the idea of being home was different.
Little did I know what rushes of emotion were going to present themselves. Soon I felt guilt because I wasn't providing a substantial income to our families finances. It felt like I was doing nothing to improve our situation. My husband and I swallowed a lot in life really fast and the financial strains were and are still extremely difficult for us to handle. We both went from being very financially independent individuals with our own financial goals to suddenly combining finances. Waves of feelings came over me. I felt like a talentless, lazy, guilty individual which led to a slight depression. Those are still emotions that pop up time to time but I am learning how to deal with them.
I then realized how much work being a stay at mom could be. I had never been so unmotivated in my entire life. My depression got worse as I began to spend days on end on the couch with no energy and no drive.
Being a stay at home mom is harder. Something I had never thought that was possible is that staying at home is harder. There is no one to motivate you, there are no deadlines or expectations except that which you do for yourself.
You have to decide what's for dinner and make it.
No one tells you when to clean your house or wash your hair or when to get out of bed or when to mow the lawn.
No one expects you to stop watching tv or have the laundry folded or the bed made.
No one makes a schedule for you to work out, practice playing the piano or work on a project you would like to finish.
And I realized until I made those expectations of myself and motivated myself to do them, I was going to sit in the same hole I was always going to.
So I tried to be supermom. That obviously didn't go as planned. *See previous post
It lasted a brief moment till I realized it wasn't going to work.
I needed to find a way to motivate myself without overwhelming myself because both extremes are more damaging then helpful. So the last two weeks I have been trying a few things to increase my production and quality as an individual, as a mother and as a housewife. So far I have been seeing good results which I hope will also improve with time. Here are a few things I decided to try:
1)Set goals and a schedule.
Set daily goals. Set weekly goals. Set hourly goals. I wanted to get a realistic list of things I could accomplish within certain time frames. And it totally works. I write them down in my day planner and make little check marks. Oh I love checkmarks.
2)Don't turn on the TV.
I find as soon as I turn on the TV, I lose motivation. Whether it's a show or a movie or anything. As soon as I start to bank couch time, the whole day is suddenly gone.
3) "Forget my cell phone."
I spend a lot of time on my cell phone. I usually try to make sure I have it within an accessible distance but I don't need to be on it every dull second in the doctors office or in the grocery store and so on. My son actually deserves that time more then my phone. Some days I do better then others but it's a work in progress.
4) Start first thing.
For me, lazy mornings make lazy days and there ain't no time for that! If I start right after breakfast, I find it amazing how much I can get accomplished. If I have an appointment in town, I try and make it as early as possible to help me get started..
5) Glam up a bit.
I find that if I put on some makeup or do my hair, I feel better about my day. I don't go all out. Heck, if I get a ponytail, that's an achievement.
6) Go outside.
Stetson is so high energy and loves being outside and when I make it out there, so do I. I have been trying to spend some time outside everyday whether it's a walk or a play at the park or mowing the lawn.
Those are the six things I have been trying to incorporate into my day to make me a happier, more productive, better quality mother and wife. I don't have to do everything. Just something. There is no reason to sit on the couch and watch TV or read all day. My husband deserves more, my children deserve more and I deserve more. If I am to expect anything of them, I must expect something of myself and set an example. Every day is a new beginning and a new challenge. And it's all about balance.
I have struggled with the position of stay at home mom. I have always been a employee. In fact, I loved being a employee. I like working long hours, associating with different people, having deadlines and being part of a company that expected and required me to complete tasks. I enjoyed learning and discussing issues with my superiors and problem solving. I had motivation and drive to impress those I worked with and those I worked for.
Then I got pregnant. My employment ended about 6 months into my pregnancy and I was going to have the opportunity to stay at home. My husband loved the idea of me being home and we had agreed that this was that best way for our family to raise our children. Initially, I was extremely excited. I had never really stayed home before and the last few years I had spent in working camps so the idea of being home was different.
Little did I know what rushes of emotion were going to present themselves. Soon I felt guilt because I wasn't providing a substantial income to our families finances. It felt like I was doing nothing to improve our situation. My husband and I swallowed a lot in life really fast and the financial strains were and are still extremely difficult for us to handle. We both went from being very financially independent individuals with our own financial goals to suddenly combining finances. Waves of feelings came over me. I felt like a talentless, lazy, guilty individual which led to a slight depression. Those are still emotions that pop up time to time but I am learning how to deal with them.
I then realized how much work being a stay at mom could be. I had never been so unmotivated in my entire life. My depression got worse as I began to spend days on end on the couch with no energy and no drive.
Being a stay at home mom is harder. Something I had never thought that was possible is that staying at home is harder. There is no one to motivate you, there are no deadlines or expectations except that which you do for yourself.
You have to decide what's for dinner and make it.
No one tells you when to clean your house or wash your hair or when to get out of bed or when to mow the lawn.
No one expects you to stop watching tv or have the laundry folded or the bed made.
No one makes a schedule for you to work out, practice playing the piano or work on a project you would like to finish.
And I realized until I made those expectations of myself and motivated myself to do them, I was going to sit in the same hole I was always going to.
So I tried to be supermom. That obviously didn't go as planned. *See previous post
It lasted a brief moment till I realized it wasn't going to work.
I needed to find a way to motivate myself without overwhelming myself because both extremes are more damaging then helpful. So the last two weeks I have been trying a few things to increase my production and quality as an individual, as a mother and as a housewife. So far I have been seeing good results which I hope will also improve with time. Here are a few things I decided to try:
1)Set goals and a schedule.
Set daily goals. Set weekly goals. Set hourly goals. I wanted to get a realistic list of things I could accomplish within certain time frames. And it totally works. I write them down in my day planner and make little check marks. Oh I love checkmarks.
2)Don't turn on the TV.
I find as soon as I turn on the TV, I lose motivation. Whether it's a show or a movie or anything. As soon as I start to bank couch time, the whole day is suddenly gone.
3) "Forget my cell phone."
I spend a lot of time on my cell phone. I usually try to make sure I have it within an accessible distance but I don't need to be on it every dull second in the doctors office or in the grocery store and so on. My son actually deserves that time more then my phone. Some days I do better then others but it's a work in progress.
4) Start first thing.
For me, lazy mornings make lazy days and there ain't no time for that! If I start right after breakfast, I find it amazing how much I can get accomplished. If I have an appointment in town, I try and make it as early as possible to help me get started..
5) Glam up a bit.
I find that if I put on some makeup or do my hair, I feel better about my day. I don't go all out. Heck, if I get a ponytail, that's an achievement.
6) Go outside.
Stetson is so high energy and loves being outside and when I make it out there, so do I. I have been trying to spend some time outside everyday whether it's a walk or a play at the park or mowing the lawn.
Those are the six things I have been trying to incorporate into my day to make me a happier, more productive, better quality mother and wife. I don't have to do everything. Just something. There is no reason to sit on the couch and watch TV or read all day. My husband deserves more, my children deserve more and I deserve more. If I am to expect anything of them, I must expect something of myself and set an example. Every day is a new beginning and a new challenge. And it's all about balance.
Tuesday 3 September 2013
Realities
Oh the realities. 7 months ago, I had a beautiful baby boy. He is amazing in all ways. Smart, cute, energetic and he loves me. Oh does he love me. Despite the fact that sometimes my hair doesn't get brushed or my house doesn't get cleaned or that sometimes dinner is less the desirable.
But he also demands the most of me. He demands my sleep time, my patience, my smiles, my energy and my love.
I don't know about other moms but I know about me. 7 months later, I still have no energy, I still cry at commercials, I get overwhelmed and end up sobbing on the floor. My house goes uncleaned, my hair goes unbrushed and sometimes getting up and eating seems the most difficult thing to accomplish.
But I would never take it back and sometimes it it takes me a second to sit back and realize that. Motherhood is the most difficult and straining thing I have ever undertook. Everything inside you wants to be the most perfect, put together, organized housewife there is that accomplishes everything you have set out to do in a day. But I know I can never be that person.
I will never be supermom.
It took me seven months to admit it to myself. I am not sure when I will feel ok again, when I will have my energy back, when I will lose the weight I would like to lose, when I will not cry in lame chick flicks, when the constant throbbing headaches will go away or when my sex drive will come back. But I know I have a little boy and a husband who I love with all my heart.
I have learned that having high expectations of myself and then failing sends me into a deep depression that not only affects me but my family. The guilt that I create in my life could hurt the people I love the most. It sucks the life out of me.
So here is to having real expectations. They won't win me any awards but they will get me through the day and keep me smiling for the people I love. And that is my reality. Lots of times I lose my focus and I forget that I can't be this perfect machine and then I get depressed.
I can't be anyone else, I can only be myself. I am not supermom. I will never be an amazing housewife. But I will do my best everyday to ensure I am happy and my family is happy. And I will get better as I realize that life is what you make it, not how much you appear to accomplish. I have much to learn and there is lots of room to grow. Everything takes time. Those are my realities.
But he also demands the most of me. He demands my sleep time, my patience, my smiles, my energy and my love.
I don't know about other moms but I know about me. 7 months later, I still have no energy, I still cry at commercials, I get overwhelmed and end up sobbing on the floor. My house goes uncleaned, my hair goes unbrushed and sometimes getting up and eating seems the most difficult thing to accomplish.
But I would never take it back and sometimes it it takes me a second to sit back and realize that. Motherhood is the most difficult and straining thing I have ever undertook. Everything inside you wants to be the most perfect, put together, organized housewife there is that accomplishes everything you have set out to do in a day. But I know I can never be that person.
I will never be supermom.
It took me seven months to admit it to myself. I am not sure when I will feel ok again, when I will have my energy back, when I will lose the weight I would like to lose, when I will not cry in lame chick flicks, when the constant throbbing headaches will go away or when my sex drive will come back. But I know I have a little boy and a husband who I love with all my heart.
I have learned that having high expectations of myself and then failing sends me into a deep depression that not only affects me but my family. The guilt that I create in my life could hurt the people I love the most. It sucks the life out of me.
So here is to having real expectations. They won't win me any awards but they will get me through the day and keep me smiling for the people I love. And that is my reality. Lots of times I lose my focus and I forget that I can't be this perfect machine and then I get depressed.
I can't be anyone else, I can only be myself. I am not supermom. I will never be an amazing housewife. But I will do my best everyday to ensure I am happy and my family is happy. And I will get better as I realize that life is what you make it, not how much you appear to accomplish. I have much to learn and there is lots of room to grow. Everything takes time. Those are my realities.
Monday 18 March 2013
Our little family
So it has been forever since I blogged. It haunts me in the back of my mind that I should blog but I have been pretty busy/sick/forgetful lately. Plus, my cute attachment decides that every time I decide to try and get something done, its time to fuss. Like he is currently. BRB.
OK baby asleep. Yep! We had a baby!
William Stetson Stanley Frost. We call him Stetson. He was born January 23 2013 8 lbs 1 oz 17 1/2" long.
Yes the name is long but it has a lot of meaning for us. William is Jarrod's family name. It's both his and his dad's legal first name and I am not sure how far it goes back. Stetson is the name I picked and Jarrod didn't have much say. I basically told him that was the name and he was going to have to accept it haha. Stanley is after Jarrod's uncle who passed in November who was very loved by all who really knew him. We hope our son will grow up to appreciate and honor the names he carries.
It's been almost 8 weeks since we brought him home and sometimes I still look at him and think "That's ours??" Haha it's a big change and sometimes so overwhelming but we wouldn't change it for the world. We have been fighting a touch of colic. Dairy bugs him big time but he still has issues with gas so I cut out gluten a couple days ago and it seems to have made a bit of difference. I also have an appointment with the chiropractor for him on Thursday to see if that can help. We will also see what the doctor says on Thursday afternoon.
Stetson loves water. We took him swimming a couple weeks ago and he just completely chilled out. I found through repeat occurrences getting him ready for a bath that if he is upset, just set him on the floor and turn on the tub and he will instantly quiet. He loves water, playing in it and listening to it. I hope it stays and that Vanderhoof builds a pool so I can indulge that if necessary.
He also loves his carrier and will usually fall asleep when we go for walks. Stetson also HATES having his face covered unless he is tired. He wants to look around. Especially outside. And don't you dare hinder that or you better prepare for the wrath. He loves sleeping with mum even though I really try to avoid it too much and he loves eating. Obviously. He's almost doubled his birthweight and is 24" long.
As for Jarrod and I, we have been adjusting to parenthood. Jarrod's cousin bought a hunt to Africa and Jarrod is planning on going with him which is his trip of a lifetime and I am excited for him. Not quite sure when it is but it could happen this year or in five years. Who knows. We are also getting tired of town. We didn't last as long as we thought we would but I am not surprised so right now we are weighing our options with finances and such to figure out what we should do.
AND WE ARE SOOOOO READY FOR SUMMER! It snowed over a foot in the last couple days and we are ready for it to go away. I am getting excited to get on my horse and go camping and I wore shorts today because I am willing it to be summer. And they are the only comfy clean thing I had. It sounds like Jarrod's breakup may be short this year and extremely busy with projects. Not even our projects! Spring bear season starts in two weeks!
Wedding celebration planning has been in full swing and I am NOT a wedding planner. And it's expensive! So do not want to get married twice! ;)
OK baby asleep. Yep! We had a baby!
William Stetson Stanley Frost. We call him Stetson. He was born January 23 2013 8 lbs 1 oz 17 1/2" long.
Yes the name is long but it has a lot of meaning for us. William is Jarrod's family name. It's both his and his dad's legal first name and I am not sure how far it goes back. Stetson is the name I picked and Jarrod didn't have much say. I basically told him that was the name and he was going to have to accept it haha. Stanley is after Jarrod's uncle who passed in November who was very loved by all who really knew him. We hope our son will grow up to appreciate and honor the names he carries.
It's been almost 8 weeks since we brought him home and sometimes I still look at him and think "That's ours??" Haha it's a big change and sometimes so overwhelming but we wouldn't change it for the world. We have been fighting a touch of colic. Dairy bugs him big time but he still has issues with gas so I cut out gluten a couple days ago and it seems to have made a bit of difference. I also have an appointment with the chiropractor for him on Thursday to see if that can help. We will also see what the doctor says on Thursday afternoon.
Stetson loves water. We took him swimming a couple weeks ago and he just completely chilled out. I found through repeat occurrences getting him ready for a bath that if he is upset, just set him on the floor and turn on the tub and he will instantly quiet. He loves water, playing in it and listening to it. I hope it stays and that Vanderhoof builds a pool so I can indulge that if necessary.
He also loves his carrier and will usually fall asleep when we go for walks. Stetson also HATES having his face covered unless he is tired. He wants to look around. Especially outside. And don't you dare hinder that or you better prepare for the wrath. He loves sleeping with mum even though I really try to avoid it too much and he loves eating. Obviously. He's almost doubled his birthweight and is 24" long.
As for Jarrod and I, we have been adjusting to parenthood. Jarrod's cousin bought a hunt to Africa and Jarrod is planning on going with him which is his trip of a lifetime and I am excited for him. Not quite sure when it is but it could happen this year or in five years. Who knows. We are also getting tired of town. We didn't last as long as we thought we would but I am not surprised so right now we are weighing our options with finances and such to figure out what we should do.
AND WE ARE SOOOOO READY FOR SUMMER! It snowed over a foot in the last couple days and we are ready for it to go away. I am getting excited to get on my horse and go camping and I wore shorts today because I am willing it to be summer. And they are the only comfy clean thing I had. It sounds like Jarrod's breakup may be short this year and extremely busy with projects. Not even our projects! Spring bear season starts in two weeks!
Wedding celebration planning has been in full swing and I am NOT a wedding planner. And it's expensive! So do not want to get married twice! ;)
Sunday 17 March 2013
Labour Story
I started having contractions around 630 am on the 22nd. They were light but every three minutes. I thought oh prob false labour or they could stop... So I called my mom and went over to my grammas and made baby blankets. Around noon Jarrod texted me and asked how I was doing so I told him I was having contractions but nothing serious.. The day passed and I went home...
At about 630 pm they got a bit stronger, so we decided to go to the hospital considering we didn't know what to expect and they hooked me up to monitors and said why yes I was having contractions but my cervix was so high up she couldn't find it so they sent me on my way saying it could be false labour or could stop. About 30 min to an hour after I got home which was about 830, it was unbearable... So Jarrod and I headed back and they hooked me up all over again and checked my cervix, the contractions were 1-2 min apart, gave me the gas, and once they found my cervix apparently I was 4-5 cm dilated. Then we called my mom. The nurse wanted another nurse to double check so I got double checked and I was now 6-7. They already had an epidural on the way and I was having back labour. No fun. By the time they got the epidural in I'm sure I was almost fully dilated because it took forever. So they got that in and it only worked on the right side apparently because of Stetson's position.
Then they checked me and voila I was fully dilated and my water broke. And they said, if you have the urge to push, push... I felt no such urge. Meanwhile I was having a hard time telling when the contractions were because the back labour was constant stabbing pain and there was no let down. They kept telling me to push but I didn't feel like I had too.. I wasn't doing well and had to get a pep talk from my doctor which was basically telling me I have to get this baby delivered and I better step up my game. I kept throwing up and by this point it was pure bile... They gave me a drug for nausea and another dose of epidural around 130 am and the contractions stopped and I started falling in and out of sleep meanwhile my doctor had to go deliver another baby. There was no progress and my baby still hasn't dropped. So my doctor started me on the drip to try and get contractions going again and avoid a c section. I had a hard time knowing when to push so my doctor put me in the squat position and told me when to push. Stetson's head was stuck behind my pelvic bone so the doctor eventually was able to pull him down and then I felt the urge I push haha. I pushed for 10-20 minutes and he was out. I looked at him and said. I knew it was a boy haha. I then laid back and got stitched up. I fed him then got up and started walking around and went pee. I was almost scared to move my legs after cause I didn't know if it would hurt. I did tear to the side and had to get 5-6 stitches. I was also shaking soooo bad. They covered me with two heated blankets afterwards to try and warm me up
Jarrod was so tired considering he had been up since 2 am the previous morning poor guy. There was no free beds so Jarrod curled up on this tiny little couch to try and sleep. I only slept about an hour and then was wide awake again. Jarrod and the baby both snored away though haha. The hospital was disgustingly hot our entire stay. We had to share a room since the hospital was so full which wasn't so exciting considering our baby was relatively quiet compared to hers and visitors were crammed in there. And I felt awful when Stetson was having a hard time and would fuss. The hospital had a few issues as well. We never got bands for the baby or Jarrod and I till the lab tech came two days later to do blood work and asked where our bands were. Pretty sure the nurses got an earful after that. We also barely saw the nurses. They were so understaffed but I was so grateful for one night shift nurse that sat with me for two hours teaching me about breastfeeding. I was struggling with it so much that night because he would just not stay with the latch. Whatever people may say, breastfeeding didn't come naturally for me. They also ended up giving me an MMR vaccination that started to cause issues with my nerves in my arm basically rendering it useless.
On the third day, we basically begged the doctor to go home and if the jaundice testing levels came back below 250 we were allowed. We were extremely happy to get out of there and it didn't take long for us to pack up and header out the door. We stopped by the pharmacy to pick up a few things we thought we might need, scheduled Stetson's circumcision and went home. Nothing like being at home with your own shower, a sink in the bathroom, your own thermostat, your own bed and our cutest little baby!
Tuesday 8 January 2013
January is a new year. . . .
How far along? 38 and a half weeks.
Maternity Clothes? No. I live in my Underarmour pants and long t shirts.
Best moment this week? Ah getting to a single digit countdown very soon. And we called in another lynx.
Not so good moment this week? Still dealing with this flu/cold and not nesting. . .I need energy to finish everything I need to get done! And my car going into limp mode for some bogus reason.
Movement: Yes. A very active baby.
Gender: Still don't know!
Food Cravings: I like toast right now. I've been craving to eat healthy haha.
Anything make you sick or queasy: It's totally hit and miss most days. I threw up tacos the other day.
Symptoms: Legs HURT usually 24/7 now. Mostly when I try and relax. And I am still puking. So thankful for Diclectin still haha.
Emotions: Mostly ok. I had a breakdown the other day and I am sure Jarrod felt pretty bad.
Looking forward to: Getting my house cleaned and hopefully things caught up if I get enough energy.
December was crazy and went crazy fast. We ended up down in the states for a couple days and got to see Julie and Patrice. Christmas crept up and left in a whirlwind. I am still slowly taking decorations down haha. Jarrod's Christmas present is supposed to come tomorrow. . A bit late but better late then never?? We ended December with a super flu/cold that is still clinging. Hasn't been much fun at all. Therefore, not much has been done in my house or anything like that. Baby's room is still in mid reno like it was in mid December. Baby cannot come this week cause I have a to do list the length of my arm still to complete hopefully before it comes. If it decides to come late, the induction date is set for January 28th because my doctor is leaving town on the 31 for vacation which I found out about yesterday and he doesn't want me to go in labour while he is gone. But we will see what happens. . . . Hopefully it comes on it's own. People have been so generous in giving us some of the things we need for this baby and we are very grateful for their support. It's amazing how small things make a huge difference and take a lot of the stress off. Whether it's undershirts or a playpen, it all helps so much.
Well our life is about to change a whole bunch and in ways we cannot imagine. Jarrod and I say to each other at random times that we are gonna have a kid soon. Isn't that weird? It's exciting and scary at the same time. And we have no idea what we are getting into I am sure but it's happening!
Maternity Clothes? No. I live in my Underarmour pants and long t shirts.
Best moment this week? Ah getting to a single digit countdown very soon. And we called in another lynx.
Not so good moment this week? Still dealing with this flu/cold and not nesting. . .I need energy to finish everything I need to get done! And my car going into limp mode for some bogus reason.
Movement: Yes. A very active baby.
Gender: Still don't know!
Food Cravings: I like toast right now. I've been craving to eat healthy haha.
Anything make you sick or queasy: It's totally hit and miss most days. I threw up tacos the other day.
Symptoms: Legs HURT usually 24/7 now. Mostly when I try and relax. And I am still puking. So thankful for Diclectin still haha.
Emotions: Mostly ok. I had a breakdown the other day and I am sure Jarrod felt pretty bad.
Looking forward to: Getting my house cleaned and hopefully things caught up if I get enough energy.
December was crazy and went crazy fast. We ended up down in the states for a couple days and got to see Julie and Patrice. Christmas crept up and left in a whirlwind. I am still slowly taking decorations down haha. Jarrod's Christmas present is supposed to come tomorrow. . A bit late but better late then never?? We ended December with a super flu/cold that is still clinging. Hasn't been much fun at all. Therefore, not much has been done in my house or anything like that. Baby's room is still in mid reno like it was in mid December. Baby cannot come this week cause I have a to do list the length of my arm still to complete hopefully before it comes. If it decides to come late, the induction date is set for January 28th because my doctor is leaving town on the 31 for vacation which I found out about yesterday and he doesn't want me to go in labour while he is gone. But we will see what happens. . . . Hopefully it comes on it's own. People have been so generous in giving us some of the things we need for this baby and we are very grateful for their support. It's amazing how small things make a huge difference and take a lot of the stress off. Whether it's undershirts or a playpen, it all helps so much.
Well our life is about to change a whole bunch and in ways we cannot imagine. Jarrod and I say to each other at random times that we are gonna have a kid soon. Isn't that weird? It's exciting and scary at the same time. And we have no idea what we are getting into I am sure but it's happening!
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