We cannot sink lower

Last night, I was having a hard time sleeping so I was browsing Pinterest. My ultimate addiction. It was General Conference this past weekend so lots of my friends who are active members of the church were gleefully posting quotes by General Authorities. As I scrolled through, I got caught up in reading these random quotes and found myself pinning them. I wasn't sure want to think and I wasn't sure how I felt.

I have been inactive for several years and I have struggled with certain addictions that go against how I was raised and the things that I know are true. There were points when I would try and go back. At those moments, I would hit a wall of temptation and confusion and emotion that was so overwhelming. Frustration would overcome me as I felt I was struggling through the darkness of my life and I could honestly say that I would give up. The goal seemed out of reach. The sins I had committed seemed too large and the abuse my soul had endured and was still enduring seemed out of healing's reach. A lot of it seemed to be whether I would ever feel worthy or clean enough to marry an LDS man in the temple. Whether I could totally be changed and renewed or loved.

At one of the ultimate lows in my life in regards to my relationship with my Heavenly Father and several other aspects, I met my husband Jarrod. Suddenly there was someone who was willing to love me and take care of me for who I was with no demands. I concluded that this was happiness. I got pregnant and I got married. In lots of ways, Jarrod saved me and I love him more then words can describe. But I still silently struggled with religion, self acceptance and this knowledge that I had with the way I was raised. A couple times, I tried explaining this to Jarrod but it was hard to convey how I was feeling to him. I actually had a conversation with Jarrod's aunt after I had my son and was trying to explain my internal struggle and how it may affect my marriage. And she mentioned that the only thing she could see pushing us apart was me pursuing the LDS religion.

Jarrod has expressed his complete disinterest in conversations before and my husband is very set in his thoughts and opinions. A good thing at times and a frustrating thing at others. One evening a couple weeks ago, I was having a discussion with my mother and she was wondering where I stood with myself and raising my child. I mentioned my internal struggle and how I don't think Jarrod would ever accept the gospel. Then she mentioned how the Lord works miracles and makes things possible when we think they are out of reach. I pondered that for a couple days and then forgot about it.

Back to last night. As I was scrolling through these quotes, one struck me. Like it totally applied to my thoughts and situation.
"However late you think you are, however many chances you think you may have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don't have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have travelled, I testify that you have not travelled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's atonement shines." Jeffrey R. Holland

And in that moment I realized that I was scared. I was scared to try. I was scared to lose my marriage, my family, my life. All these thoughts rushed through my head about how the Lord can work miracles and how He can change people, their lives and their hearts. And I realized that it needs to start with me.  All I could do was try and have faith the Lord would do the rest for me and for my family. Because the gospel is love. It's love for our families, love for our Heavenly Father and love for our Saviour. And because I love my family I want to have that love in my home.

So this morning I got up. I didn't drink my coffee and I am reading scriptures and having family prayers with my son. Maybe one day my husband will join us, maybe not. But I can no longer be scared to try. All I can do is pray that one day that infinite light will illuminate my life and the hearts of those I love so much.