I focus a lot of this blog on venting my frustrations, letting of the past and anticipation of the future. But I would like to take a moment and focus on my present blessing.
My husband.
In the past, I have stated the difficulties of marriage, things that have impacted mine negatively and positively. Last night, as I was loading the dishwasher, I had a fleeting thought that I went back, retrieved and pondered.
I am so very thankful for my husband.
I am grateful for how he sacrifices daily to provide for our family, rain or shine, sick or not. I am thankful for his selfless attitude towards me. How he thinks I am sexy no matter how I look, whether I showered that day or if I am nine months pregnant. I love the fact that when I ask him what he wants for the future, the first thing he states is that he wants me to be happy. He picks up the load when I breakdown or fail and doesn't judge me for it. He holds me when I cry and sometimes cries with me. When I have a hard day, often his first question involves asking me what he can help with. He comes home and shovels our driveway or folds laundry or picks up our son and goes to play with him. He has more faith in my abilities then I do most of the time.
I love him more then I thought was ever possible. He is my rock and an amazing father. And with all my shortcomings, I am amazed he picked me. But I am so blessed he did.
Friday 31 January 2014
Wednesday 29 January 2014
Rollercoaster
My son turned one on the 23rd of January. One year old. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I had a suspicion. I was overwhelmed by the fear, the excitement and the nausea. It was just the beginning. The next nine months were a extreme of emotions. I got married, I threw up, I worked in camp till I was 6 months along, we bought a house and I spent most nights in my bathtub begging my womb bound baby to let me sleep just a little bit. People warned me to get my sleep in before the baby came and I got the verbal warnings of just waiting till my baby was born and then I would see or understand or "get it".
Then I delivered my baby. He was adorable. I wasn't necessarily overwhelmed by love at first but by the fact that I was responsible for a little person now. I had no idea what to anticipate.
He was colicky and fussy and frustrating. I grew to love this little person that demanded everything from me as we both cried together in the middle of the night when I didn't know what else to try. I was told it would pass. Often my husband would find me on the bed bawling because I was so overwhelmed and exhausted, I thought I was the most awful wife and mother. I wasn't dealing with this well. My baby was gaining weight well with breast milk but at 4 months, we decided to opt for an antidepressant. On formula my baby changed. He was suddenly happy. I didn't have to buy gripe water 3 times a week. But I gained 50 pounds in 6 weeks. And it slapped me in the face. I stopped the medication cold turkey and the depression compounded.
Over the next couple months I realized some days are good and some days are bad. My husband wants to come home to a happy wife so somedays I put on the happy facade and its ok for a couple days until I crash. I want so much to be the happy wife and mother that it's become a fear that I might fail. Other days I actually have a good day. But I started getting migraines that warrant trips to the hospital. My anxiety is through the roof and I have to talk myself from having a meltdown. I am stressed about money and my family and whether I will make it through the day. I am guilty for crying/begging/yelling at my baby to please stop screaming at me so I can just make dinner and attempt not to have an emotional breakdown. Sometimes I just lay in bed and start crying. I don't want to be touched or talked to. I don't want to sit on the couch. I don't want anything. My body is on edge and tight, every nerve feels raw. My mind is so on edge its shutting down. I can't remember anything and it feels like I am living in a fog to prevent myself from freaking out or maybe my mind just goes foggy cause I don't have the energy to freak out or care. Somedays my body is heavy it's so exhausted, not tired, just drained.
There's lots of days when my baby makes me smile as the tears roll down my cheeks, when he runs to hug me after he just got in trouble that make my heart ache with love for this little person who has literally in so many ways turned my world upside down. I couldn't imagine life without him and when we are apart, I miss my baby. He makes me feel a whirlwind of emotion. Happiness, joy, worry, frustration, guilt, love. I love to watch him progress and to watch him think and learn and laugh. I get irritated when he pulls my hair, rips pages out of my cookbook or presses buttons on the stereo system that he knows he's not supposed to press. But then I hold him and for that brief second of blissful calm, I feel the joy.
So here I am today with a toddler. I am not sure that I will ever "get it" but I also know this past year has been the most frustrating, rewarding, revealing year of my life. It's been hard on my marriage and on me but things are getting better. I see friends getting pregnant and having babies and hope it will be easier for them then it is or has been for me. Because this has very much been the start of a personal journey. Everyday is a fight for the people I love against all sorts of adversity, sometimes against myself. There will still be many nights I am sure where my husband asks me why I am crying and I honestly will have no answer for him. But we made it a year. And I couldn't imagine anything different.
Then I delivered my baby. He was adorable. I wasn't necessarily overwhelmed by love at first but by the fact that I was responsible for a little person now. I had no idea what to anticipate.
He was colicky and fussy and frustrating. I grew to love this little person that demanded everything from me as we both cried together in the middle of the night when I didn't know what else to try. I was told it would pass. Often my husband would find me on the bed bawling because I was so overwhelmed and exhausted, I thought I was the most awful wife and mother. I wasn't dealing with this well. My baby was gaining weight well with breast milk but at 4 months, we decided to opt for an antidepressant. On formula my baby changed. He was suddenly happy. I didn't have to buy gripe water 3 times a week. But I gained 50 pounds in 6 weeks. And it slapped me in the face. I stopped the medication cold turkey and the depression compounded.
Over the next couple months I realized some days are good and some days are bad. My husband wants to come home to a happy wife so somedays I put on the happy facade and its ok for a couple days until I crash. I want so much to be the happy wife and mother that it's become a fear that I might fail. Other days I actually have a good day. But I started getting migraines that warrant trips to the hospital. My anxiety is through the roof and I have to talk myself from having a meltdown. I am stressed about money and my family and whether I will make it through the day. I am guilty for crying/begging/yelling at my baby to please stop screaming at me so I can just make dinner and attempt not to have an emotional breakdown. Sometimes I just lay in bed and start crying. I don't want to be touched or talked to. I don't want to sit on the couch. I don't want anything. My body is on edge and tight, every nerve feels raw. My mind is so on edge its shutting down. I can't remember anything and it feels like I am living in a fog to prevent myself from freaking out or maybe my mind just goes foggy cause I don't have the energy to freak out or care. Somedays my body is heavy it's so exhausted, not tired, just drained.
There's lots of days when my baby makes me smile as the tears roll down my cheeks, when he runs to hug me after he just got in trouble that make my heart ache with love for this little person who has literally in so many ways turned my world upside down. I couldn't imagine life without him and when we are apart, I miss my baby. He makes me feel a whirlwind of emotion. Happiness, joy, worry, frustration, guilt, love. I love to watch him progress and to watch him think and learn and laugh. I get irritated when he pulls my hair, rips pages out of my cookbook or presses buttons on the stereo system that he knows he's not supposed to press. But then I hold him and for that brief second of blissful calm, I feel the joy.
So here I am today with a toddler. I am not sure that I will ever "get it" but I also know this past year has been the most frustrating, rewarding, revealing year of my life. It's been hard on my marriage and on me but things are getting better. I see friends getting pregnant and having babies and hope it will be easier for them then it is or has been for me. Because this has very much been the start of a personal journey. Everyday is a fight for the people I love against all sorts of adversity, sometimes against myself. There will still be many nights I am sure where my husband asks me why I am crying and I honestly will have no answer for him. But we made it a year. And I couldn't imagine anything different.
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