My son turned one on the 23rd of January. One year old. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I had a suspicion. I was overwhelmed by the fear, the excitement and the nausea. It was just the beginning. The next nine months were a extreme of emotions. I got married, I threw up, I worked in camp till I was 6 months along, we bought a house and I spent most nights in my bathtub begging my womb bound baby to let me sleep just a little bit. People warned me to get my sleep in before the baby came and I got the verbal warnings of just waiting till my baby was born and then I would see or understand or "get it".
Then I delivered my baby. He was adorable. I wasn't necessarily overwhelmed by love at first but by the fact that I was responsible for a little person now. I had no idea what to anticipate.
He was colicky and fussy and frustrating. I grew to love this little person that demanded everything from me as we both cried together in the middle of the night when I didn't know what else to try. I was told it would pass. Often my husband would find me on the bed bawling because I was so overwhelmed and exhausted, I thought I was the most awful wife and mother. I wasn't dealing with this well. My baby was gaining weight well with breast milk but at 4 months, we decided to opt for an antidepressant. On formula my baby changed. He was suddenly happy. I didn't have to buy gripe water 3 times a week. But I gained 50 pounds in 6 weeks. And it slapped me in the face. I stopped the medication cold turkey and the depression compounded.
Over the next couple months I realized some days are good and some days are bad. My husband wants to come home to a happy wife so somedays I put on the happy facade and its ok for a couple days until I crash. I want so much to be the happy wife and mother that it's become a fear that I might fail. Other days I actually have a good day. But I started getting migraines that warrant trips to the hospital. My anxiety is through the roof and I have to talk myself from having a meltdown. I am stressed about money and my family and whether I will make it through the day. I am guilty for crying/begging/yelling at my baby to please stop screaming at me so I can just make dinner and attempt not to have an emotional breakdown. Sometimes I just lay in bed and start crying. I don't want to be touched or talked to. I don't want to sit on the couch. I don't want anything. My body is on edge and tight, every nerve feels raw. My mind is so on edge its shutting down. I can't remember anything and it feels like I am living in a fog to prevent myself from freaking out or maybe my mind just goes foggy cause I don't have the energy to freak out or care. Somedays my body is heavy it's so exhausted, not tired, just drained.
There's lots of days when my baby makes me smile as the tears roll down my cheeks, when he runs to hug me after he just got in trouble that make my heart ache with love for this little person who has literally in so many ways turned my world upside down. I couldn't imagine life without him and when we are apart, I miss my baby. He makes me feel a whirlwind of emotion. Happiness, joy, worry, frustration, guilt, love. I love to watch him progress and to watch him think and learn and laugh. I get irritated when he pulls my hair, rips pages out of my cookbook or presses buttons on the stereo system that he knows he's not supposed to press. But then I hold him and for that brief second of blissful calm, I feel the joy.
So here I am today with a toddler. I am not sure that I will ever "get it" but I also know this past year has been the most frustrating, rewarding, revealing year of my life. It's been hard on my marriage and on me but things are getting better. I see friends getting pregnant and having babies and hope it will be easier for them then it is or has been for me. Because this has very much been the start of a personal journey. Everyday is a fight for the people I love against all sorts of adversity, sometimes against myself. There will still be many nights I am sure where my husband asks me why I am crying and I honestly will have no answer for him. But we made it a year. And I couldn't imagine anything different.
Oh Anna, I can relate to this post SOOO MUCH - except I don't have a baby. I literally can feel your pain and I want so badly to be able to make it better. You're a trooper.
ReplyDeleteThings that have really helped me with my depression are:
1. Anti-depressants. I was one of the lucky people that had the right pill prescribed to me right from the get go (Zoloft) and it has made a world of difference. I don't blame you for going of off yours -- how unfair to compound weight gain with depression?! If you ever decide to go back on, ask any of your family members to see if they ever went on anti-depressants, because oftentimes the pill that worked with their genetic makeup will probably work with yours. That's why mine worked - depression runs in my family and the doctor that treated me had treated all my relatives.
2. Counselling. I thought counselling was a load of crap and didn't go to it until I was given an ultimatum. I went through LDS family services to find a counsellor and it was nice to talk to someone who was familiar with the standards I was raised with and the pressures I put on myself due to my religion. I only saw the counsellor 4 times!! It was that helpful. She helped to point out ways that I was adding extra anxiety to my life and then helped me determine methods of coping better. It sounds like you're really similar to me in that your depression is a large part anxiety based.
3. Healthy Hobbies. This is probably the most difficult one to implement as a busy mother and wife, but I found it to be helpful to write down my thoughts and discoveries and weaknesses (BLOG!) and to have a sort of routine. If anything, when I mean routine, I mean trying to set aside a teeny part of your day to do something that relaxes you and renews your focus. For me, silly as this sounds, it is going on a small walk outside, finding a nice place to sit, and then listening to the song "Homeward Bound" by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Haha, how dorky. This routine has a special meaning to me because it's something I did when I worked in Waterton, so it brings me back and helps me reset.
Just know there are people out there who have suffered from depression and they love you and know you can succeed!!!!