Hi, my name is Anna and. . .

I have a hobby. I love learning about people. I love learning about minds and how addictions, nurturing patterns, habits, abuse and personality all work to make up the complexity of a person. I spend a lot of time reading about different studies and different observations of human behaviours. In addition, I learn a lot about myself. Lately, I have learned something different about myself though, a side I always hid well or never wished to exhibit or accept.

Hi, my name is Anna and I suffer from anxiety.

I always thought I dodged the bullet with anxiety. I have family members that highly suffer from it but I never accepted the possibility that I may have it as well. A couple months ago, I started getting atrocious headaches. To the point where I could barely function. My doctor suggested tension as a source and I brushed it off. Tension? I don't have that much tension. Fast forward to a couple months later,  I have been taking some serious drugs for back pain and headaches and I opted for the chiropractor. She recommends a massage therapist because the muscles in my upper back and neck would take her too much time to work out and I wouldn't benefit as much. Oh well that's ok is my thought process. Fast forward to two weekends ago, we were lynx hunting and Christmas tree hunting. Not a big deal right? Wrong. I felt so nauseous. I was stressing out that I couldn't look for Christmas trees and lynx tracks at the same time. My muscles were tense. My back started aching. I was in pain. I wanted a perfect Christmas tree and what if I missed one? What if we couldn't find one? I couldn't look into the sun anymore. My husband looked at me and asked me why I was so grumpy. I wasn't grumpy! I was stressed and in pain and frustrated and irritated. I was dangling in the no man's land between snapping and crying. But I don't suffer from anxiety. My constant worrying had nothing to do with it. And it was literally over nothing important.

This weekend, we had a really busy schedule. It seemed like every moment was booked with some sort of goal NEEDING to be accomplished. Usually I thrive in high demand situations but I only do on my own. If Jarrod starts stressing, I feed off it almost and end up beyond stressing. I want to make him not stressed so I stress myself out with his stress which makes for a high strung Anna. On Sunday afternoon, I hit a brick wall. I opened up. I had a mini freak out. I finally told my husband my worries. I told him about the Christmas tree, I told him the road conditions were stressing me out, the fact I would have to drive a truck pulling a trailer, I told him I was worried about leaving Stetson. I told him I was stressed about being worried. I was stressed out from being in pain. I was worried I wasn't a good mom. I was worried we might get stuck driving in the snow. I worry about dinner, Jarrod's safety, about not having clean clothes, about my house being clean, about not having any talents, about not visiting friends or family, about having no time for anything it seemed. He laughed, looked at me like I was slightly crazy and it slapped me in the face. I am anxious. I am an anxious person. And for some reason in the last year it has escalated significantly. I find different people stress me out, every situation seems to have a trigger. And there seems to always be a side of me thats freaking out inside even though I may be all calm on the outside. There seems to be a couple different Annas! The strong one, the one falling apart, the one so stressed out she's scared to move, the one thats got it together and telling others it's not a big deal, the emotional Anna, the feeling amazing Anna, the in pain one, the scared Anna, the defiant one and the submissive Anna. Oh I am sure I am missing other ones for sure and I suddenly feel a pang of sympathy for my husband. He has to deal with them all. The fear and worry of failure seems to have overwhelmed and overcome my little anxious, seem to want to be a perfectionist at everything life.

I can't "fix" it unfortunately. It is something that I will have to deal with on a daily, monthly, hourly basis I am sure. I know I am not alone but the thing about anxiety is that you feel alone and you try to say you are anxious about something and people laugh or think your completely nuts. Or you try and brush it off and it goes into that bottle that presents itself as irritation or temper until it finally explodes and you are in full meltdown and it's hard to pinpoint a cause or a solution. The last few weeks have really demonstrated to me how poor mental health is so much an all encompassing factor in the lives of those affected. I know there are days that I feel it on a very physical and emotional level. To all those who are affected as well, you aren't crazy, alone or overemotional or a hypochondriac. Depression and anxiety often walk hand in hand and they are very real. I know there are days when my brain just checks out it seems because it's had enough. It's hard to concentrate or focus or think and I feel like I am swimming and I can't seem to come up for mental air. How frustrating it must be for my family but I know I am the one who is frustrated the most. But I will make it through. There can always be improvement.

I am not alone.