I also have no idea what kind of mother I am going to be. One part of me says, it will just be instinct, it will come and you will be a natural. Another part says, you should be scared for your life cause you have no idea what's coming. Lots of mother's have offered experiences and advice about motherhood and how they coped or handled certain things. Every mother has different cares, concerns and worries about their children and themselves and it's amazing how it is so varied for every person and every child. Some are completely enveloped by motherhood from the moment they get a positive result on a pregnancy test, while others it takes time through the pregnancy or it doesn't hit till they hold that baby the first time. Some have their lives completely centered around their children and love it while others try and find balance between their children and other things in life.
BUT
Pregnancy hasn't been enjoyable for me. Maybe because marriage and pregnancy came kind of together and it was a big change so fast. Maybe because it's my first one and I don't have much patience. And to tell the truth, I forget I am pregnant a lot and find I end up getting frustrated with myself. Why do I hurt right now?? Ah right. Pregnant. Why am I nauseous again?? Oh yea. Pregnant. Why does this seem so much harder to do now?? . . . . Duh. Pregnant. Why am I soooo big?? Oh right. Pregnant. It's not like I am out drinking shots and eating pounds of raw fish but I find that I am constantly reminding myself. . .Oh right. It's frustrating to be limited and I hate limiting my husband who wants to do things together that I just can't seem to do without paying later.
I don't like being an emotional wreck constantly and I miss things and feel guilty. Some people can't have babies and would give the world to be pregnant. But I would be a hypocrite if I said I didn't miss things.
I miss being able to change my body. And I want to change it so bad. I don't like seeing pictures of myself. I feel self conscious. I don't enjoy my size and I can't wait to start changing it. Everybody says just enjoy pregnancy and on and on. But I don't feel pregnant. I just feel fat. And maybe it's selfish but I really hope I maintain the motivation to get fit and at a healthy weight. I gained lots of weight before I got pregnant and I so regret it now.
Honestly? I really want to continue in some of my hobbies after the baby is born. I have had so many mixed opinions from mothers about this topic. I have met mothers that just involve their children in what they are doing and I have met others who insist you will have no time and others who think you are selfish for even pursuing something for yourself. Such as hunting. Although it will take some sacrifice for us to involve our children, I can't see it ending. Jarrod's parents involved him and I am sure he and I will do the same thing. I have an amazingly supportive husband and often when I doubt I will be able to do something after the baby comes because of lack of time, he reminds me that I can still do it, I can just take the baby with me. And I am sure it's easier said then done but I know when it comes down to it, if it's that important to me then I will do it. But I am still scared I will lose myself and turn around later in life with regrets. I am also aware that my priorities will drastically change after this baby comes. Oh the fear of the unknown.
BUT
At the same time, I am so excited to meet this little person. Haha it's daddy loves to poke and prode it and I am sure it is just the beginning of it getting teased. Every time it decides to move, it's a reminder of oh yea, there's a baby in there which is a complete rush of mixed emotions. And I know it will help me realize that this is all worth it. I can't wait to figure out it's likes and dislikes and to snuggle and to see it smile and take it's first steps. To teach it what's right and what's wrong and that baby will always be loved. And deep inside I know it will be the hardest but most rewarding thing I have ever done in my entire life. Harder then pregnancy to say the least lol. And although the thought of being responsible for a child is so so scary, I pray that I will be able to teach and to love this gift from heaven with everything in me. I can't wait to see daddy just melt when he holds his baby for the first time cause I know it will happen.
Isn't that what people say parenthood is like? When it seems like all is lost, you get rewarded in the sweetest, most simple ways. If not, I guess I will learn in time. . .
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