We cannot sink lower

Last night, I was having a hard time sleeping so I was browsing Pinterest. My ultimate addiction. It was General Conference this past weekend so lots of my friends who are active members of the church were gleefully posting quotes by General Authorities. As I scrolled through, I got caught up in reading these random quotes and found myself pinning them. I wasn't sure want to think and I wasn't sure how I felt.

I have been inactive for several years and I have struggled with certain addictions that go against how I was raised and the things that I know are true. There were points when I would try and go back. At those moments, I would hit a wall of temptation and confusion and emotion that was so overwhelming. Frustration would overcome me as I felt I was struggling through the darkness of my life and I could honestly say that I would give up. The goal seemed out of reach. The sins I had committed seemed too large and the abuse my soul had endured and was still enduring seemed out of healing's reach. A lot of it seemed to be whether I would ever feel worthy or clean enough to marry an LDS man in the temple. Whether I could totally be changed and renewed or loved.

At one of the ultimate lows in my life in regards to my relationship with my Heavenly Father and several other aspects, I met my husband Jarrod. Suddenly there was someone who was willing to love me and take care of me for who I was with no demands. I concluded that this was happiness. I got pregnant and I got married. In lots of ways, Jarrod saved me and I love him more then words can describe. But I still silently struggled with religion, self acceptance and this knowledge that I had with the way I was raised. A couple times, I tried explaining this to Jarrod but it was hard to convey how I was feeling to him. I actually had a conversation with Jarrod's aunt after I had my son and was trying to explain my internal struggle and how it may affect my marriage. And she mentioned that the only thing she could see pushing us apart was me pursuing the LDS religion.

Jarrod has expressed his complete disinterest in conversations before and my husband is very set in his thoughts and opinions. A good thing at times and a frustrating thing at others. One evening a couple weeks ago, I was having a discussion with my mother and she was wondering where I stood with myself and raising my child. I mentioned my internal struggle and how I don't think Jarrod would ever accept the gospel. Then she mentioned how the Lord works miracles and makes things possible when we think they are out of reach. I pondered that for a couple days and then forgot about it.

Back to last night. As I was scrolling through these quotes, one struck me. Like it totally applied to my thoughts and situation.
"However late you think you are, however many chances you think you may have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don't have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have travelled, I testify that you have not travelled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ's atonement shines." Jeffrey R. Holland

And in that moment I realized that I was scared. I was scared to try. I was scared to lose my marriage, my family, my life. All these thoughts rushed through my head about how the Lord can work miracles and how He can change people, their lives and their hearts. And I realized that it needs to start with me.  All I could do was try and have faith the Lord would do the rest for me and for my family. Because the gospel is love. It's love for our families, love for our Heavenly Father and love for our Saviour. And because I love my family I want to have that love in my home.

So this morning I got up. I didn't drink my coffee and I am reading scriptures and having family prayers with my son. Maybe one day my husband will join us, maybe not. But I can no longer be scared to try. All I can do is pray that one day that infinite light will illuminate my life and the hearts of those I love so much.

Throwing it away

The past three weeks I have had the opportunity to join a clinic weight loss group that promotes a rapid weight loss with a lifestyle change. So far I have almost lost 14 pounds through smaller portions sizes, lower carbs and being aware of what I am putting into my body.

I have always been aware of my weight and self image. Honestly, I have been all over the map with it. I have been heavier, I have been more in shape, I have been pregnant, I have have been lighter. When I started to gain weight, I was extremely uncomfortable with it. I never hated myself, I just knew I was heavier then I felt was healthy. I have a lot of knowledge of fitness and eating well, which at times I have ignored and at other times taken to heart. 

At one time I was living with a family who was very much love yourself no matter what size you are. And I would often say I was overweight and needed to lose weight and they would quickly state how I was just fine and beautiful the way I was. I understood the mentality they were trying to uphold but I was stating a fact. My weight was making me uncomfortable. I was never slighting my self worth by stating such facts, I was just recognizing and trying to solve the problem. And it was a problem for me. I don't like feeling unhealthy or losing my breath on a walk or having to buy bigger pants.

Recently I have been thinking about that experience and food and weight and health a lot because of how involved I have been in this program. Media is very pressuring to maintain a "hot body" persay but I find the retaliation a bit more disturbing. Pictures comparing anorexic to overweight women and which one you would prefer to be or be with, "curves" are better slogans and such. I AM NOT A THIN WOMEN but I take offense to the fact that people are trying to make unhealthy habits the norm. Whether it be too big or too small, it seems many seek to fight for acceptance for endangering their health. 

It is not healthy to be extremely overweight or underweight, that's a fact. I have a very blunt doctor who will tell me that I am getting too overweight or I am reaching a good level of health and I appreciate the honesty. Someone is finally honest. Because it's not ok to be overweight. It's an epidemic. Yesterday, during our meeting, my doctor had just returned from Vegas and he mentioned the overweight children and how sad it was to see an overweight 10 year old whose knees were already starting to be damaged by excess weight. He wanted to approach the parents and tell them how they were endangering their child's health by what was going in his mouth. And that was a child! Doesn't that just infuriate that the parents would take no responsibility in making sure their child had a healthy, balanced diet in order to enjoy their life to the fullest? Why do we not empower our children to be healthy and happy and active?

So throughout the last few weeks, I have decided that I would like to take control back of my life. I can't blame my weight on Christmas or the cake or others because I ATE IT. And it's hard to say no, it's hard to resist the temptation of overindulging. But I need to do this to be an example for my children and to be able to not be self conscious about how I look and to not feel like crap. I want and need to be healthy and I am not going to sit back and let people tell me to love my "curves" which are actually rolls of unnecessary body fat caused by copious amounts of sweets and greasy food. I already love myself enough to realize I need to change.   

So here's to throwing it away and the journey has just begun.