Off the grid

So it's been a while. A long while. In fact, crazy amounts have changed for us! 

In May, we sold our house. And we bought a travel trailer. Then moved into my in laws front yard. 

It was kind of crazy. I love my inlaws and they love us but that was just too close. So we moved out back and decided to build a small cabin to live in. 

We are still building. We just put the woodstove and chimney in last night. When it was -15. We are sooooo close! 

Technically, right now we are off the grid. We have to subdivide and drill a well. We live off a generator, have an out house, and I pack jugs of water from my inlaws. It's been a learning experience. 

But we are excited to be out of the trailer!!! Travel trailers are not built for -10 living. We have a expensive time keeping it warm and have crazy ice buildup. We have a nice travel trailer but Stetson has no space to run and there is no place to put anything. 

That's mostly us right now! I can't believe it's already the middle of November! Christmas is in a month! 😁😁😁

Are you offended?

The online world. It is completely entwined in our lives. Phones, computers, social networks, television. People campaign their thoughts and opinions and ideas and emotions. Some sensor what they say, others don't. Some people hate, some people "propose".

Both my husband have Instagram. We post pictures of our lifestyle online which includes hunting and trapping, butchering, fishing and outdoor activities. There has always been haters. People have wished death upon us, told us we were dirty trailer park trash and many much more profane things. At first, it bugged us. Now we don't care. Lots of people don't understand or believe in our lifestyle but we do, and that's what matters. We offer advice and tips to those who ask and we enjoy it.

Ever since the "emergence" of social networks, it has seemed like our society has turned us into haters, lovers, professional judges on all topics, made us pushy and bossy and defensive and someone always has to have that last word! Everything is offensive. Everyone is our judge that we so willingly accept into our lives. People get so caught up in everyone else's "reality show" that we don't focus on our own lives. I am guilty. I have been the judge and the judged. My husband is actually the one who made me realize how ridiculous I was being. I would pipe up something about someone we know distantly and he would look at me and say, "I don't care. It's not my life. You shouldn't either."

I, of course, get irritated cause he's right. It's also made me consider what I post online. I don't need my Facebook page to be a reality show for the world. Facebook is a convenient tool for me which is really the only reason I haven't deleted it yet. I still consider it on some days though. And I realized something.

I am married, I have a wonderful family who I love, extended family I appreciate and love, a house to clean, meals to make, goals, dreams, a body to take care of, a Heavenly Father who loves me. My life is my life and my opinions are my own opinions and people may get offended but does it really directly impact them what I think? No. I have my own problems and I really don't need the acceptance of the world when I overcome them. My reality doesn't have to be a show. I don't need to get offended over other things that people think or say. Because it doesn't really matter. I don't have to be accepted by others to accept myself. I don't have to choose to push or proclaim or be offended. Because it is a choice. It's also a choice to type it into your media device to tell the world.

Trapping Wife

My husband has a trapping license. We also currently live smack dab in the middle of town in a little 1200 square foot house with a carport that serves as a skinning shack/shop/storage room. This year we have been pretty active trapping and have friends that drop off coyotes and critters for us to skin. A couple days back, I decided to make a list of 10 odd things that come with having a trapper as a husband.

1) Your chores for the day may include hanging washed coyotes to drip off.

2) You might end up washing door handles and light switches daily because your husband leaves a blood trail.

3) You may come into the bathroom and have anything in the tub. Whether it's a fisher thawing out or a wolf soaking.

4) Your laundry room or living room could possibly have things thawing or drying at any moment.

5) You believe in air freshners. A lot of air freshners.

6) Your sewing may include hides on a stretcher.

7) You may walk out into the carport and see a carcass hanging at any time of the day.

8) Your town run may include dropping off furs/skulls.

9) Your husband may ask you to wash the truck cause blood is hard on the paint.

10) You end up warning people that there might be dead things in the carport/house so don't be alarmed.

Valentine

I focus a lot of this blog on venting my frustrations, letting of the past and anticipation of the future. But I would like to take a moment and focus on my present blessing.

My husband.

In the past, I have stated the difficulties of marriage, things that have impacted mine negatively and positively. Last night, as I was loading the dishwasher, I had a fleeting thought that I went back, retrieved and pondered.

I am so very thankful for my husband.

I am grateful for how he sacrifices daily to provide for our family, rain or shine, sick or not. I am thankful for his selfless attitude towards me. How he thinks I am sexy no matter how I look, whether I showered that day or if I am nine months pregnant. I love the fact that when I ask him what he wants for the future, the first thing he states is that he wants me to be happy. He picks up the load when I breakdown or fail and doesn't judge me for it. He holds me when I cry and sometimes cries with me. When I have a hard day, often his first question involves asking me what he can help with. He comes home and shovels our driveway or folds laundry or picks up our son and goes to play with him. He has more faith in my abilities then I do most of the time.

I love him more then I thought was ever possible. He is my rock and an amazing father. And with all my shortcomings, I am amazed he picked me. But I am so blessed he did.

Rollercoaster

My son turned one on the 23rd of January. One year old. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I had a suspicion. I was overwhelmed by the fear, the excitement and the nausea. It was just the beginning. The next nine months were a extreme of emotions. I got married, I threw up, I worked in camp till I was 6 months along, we bought a house and I spent most nights in my bathtub begging my womb bound baby to let me sleep just a little bit. People warned me to get my sleep in before the baby came and I got the verbal warnings of just waiting till my baby was born and then I would see or understand or "get it".

Then I delivered my baby. He was adorable. I wasn't necessarily overwhelmed by love at first but by the fact that I was responsible for a little person now. I had no idea what to anticipate.

He was colicky and fussy and frustrating. I grew to love this little person that demanded everything from me as we both cried together in the middle of the night when I didn't know what else to try. I was told it would pass. Often my husband would find me on the bed bawling because I was so overwhelmed and exhausted, I thought I was the most awful wife and mother. I wasn't dealing with this well. My baby was gaining weight well with breast milk but at 4 months, we decided to opt for an antidepressant. On formula my baby changed. He was suddenly happy. I didn't have to buy gripe water 3 times a week. But I gained 50 pounds in 6 weeks. And it slapped me in the face. I stopped the medication cold turkey and the depression compounded.

Over the next couple months I realized some days are good and some days are bad. My husband wants to come home to a happy wife so somedays I put on the happy facade and its ok for a couple days until I crash. I want so much to be the happy wife and mother that it's become a fear that I might fail. Other days I actually have a good day. But I started getting migraines that warrant trips to the hospital. My anxiety is through the roof and I have to talk myself from having a meltdown. I am stressed about money and my family and whether I will make it through the day. I am guilty for crying/begging/yelling at my baby to please stop screaming at me so I can just make dinner and attempt not to have an emotional breakdown. Sometimes I just lay in bed and start crying. I don't want to be touched or talked to. I don't want to sit on the couch. I don't want anything. My body is on edge and tight, every nerve feels raw. My mind is so on edge its shutting down. I can't remember anything and it feels like I am living in a fog to prevent myself from freaking out or maybe my mind just goes foggy cause I don't have the energy to freak out or care. Somedays my body is heavy it's so exhausted, not tired, just drained.

There's lots of days when my baby makes me smile as the tears roll down my cheeks, when he runs to hug me after he just got in trouble that make my heart ache with love for this little person who has literally in so many ways turned my world upside down. I couldn't imagine life without him and when we are apart, I miss my baby. He makes me feel a whirlwind of emotion. Happiness, joy, worry, frustration, guilt, love. I love to watch him progress and to watch him think and learn and laugh. I get irritated when he pulls my hair, rips pages out of my cookbook or presses buttons on the stereo system that he knows he's not supposed to press. But then I hold him and for that brief second of blissful calm, I feel the joy.

So here I am today with a toddler. I am not sure that I will ever "get it" but I also know this past year has been the most frustrating, rewarding, revealing year of my life. It's been hard on my marriage and on me but things are getting better. I see friends getting pregnant and having babies and hope it will be easier for them then it is or has been for me. Because this has very much been the start of a personal journey. Everyday is a fight for the people I love against all sorts of adversity, sometimes against myself. There will still be many nights I am sure where my husband asks me why I am crying and I honestly will have no answer for him. But we made it a year. And I couldn't imagine anything different.